Your name is AUSTIN FREEMAN...

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Your name is AUSTIN FREEMAN...

Post  arcWinter on Mon Mar 04, 2013 8:45 pm

Your name is AUSTIN FREEMAN, and you are a CULT LEADER.

Not one of those stupid sacrificial cults or anything, no. You are the high priest of CAGENISM, WHEREIN NICOLAS CAGE IS THE SAVIOR OF MANKIND. Notably, it is the only religion with video evidence of its central figure. CHECK AND MATE, every other belief system.

However, this holy calling is only one of your VARIOUS INTERESTS. Alongside the posters of CAGE'S VISAGE stand those of PROBLEM SLEUTH, your favorite webcomic, and THE ELDER SCROLLS, your ex-favorite video game series of all time. That title has recently been taken by DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING, which has possibly one of the most IN-DEPTH AND COMPELLING VIRTUAL WORLDS OF ALL TIME. Who knew that fashion and pirates were such an intoxicating combination? Apparently the Koreans. This language barrier presents SOMEWHAT OF A CHALLENGE to your friends who also play, but you've found that simply pouring hour over hour into the game allows you to TECHNOPATHICALLY COMMUNE WITH THE GAME IN WAYS UNKNOWN TO MODERN MAN. Figuratively, of course. You just play way too Cagedamn much. Fuckin' nerd.

Other than that, priestly duties, and schoolwork, there's NOT MUCH YOU REALLY SPEND TIME ON, except maybe EPIC LARP ADVENTURES and INSANE TABLETOP DUNGEON CRAWLS. But those are far less common now that the DARK BARNACLE has taken over your HEART and soul.

Your pesterchum handle is arcWinter and you like to think that the way you type makes you seem classy as hell without giving a shit.

What will you do?

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Re: Your name is AUSTIN FREEMAN...

Post  arcWinter on Mon Mar 04, 2013 9:16 pm

> Austin: Preside over cult.

You should probably stop calling it that if you ever want it to become more respected in the mainstream world, but okay. You log back onto the main place of devotion for your religion and check up on it. Mhm. Yup. There's only 45 people browsing the site at the moment, but that's because it's at an awkward time. In better times with higher traffic rates, like during the afternoon, you can get upwards of ten times that number, all contributing to the glory of your Lord. Oh, looks like there are contributions already.

Just some new content, submitted by faithful followers, most of it pretty quality stuff. You approve, in two senses of the word. Any post on this site has to go through you, the head moderator. There's no position called 'head moderator,' but you founded this place, so you can call yourself whatever you want. Also, nobody is around to read your mind. Any ridiculous thoughts you might have are completely safe. Everything's running smoothly, so what's next??

> Austin: Have ridiculous thoughts.

You let your mind wander (but not your mouse. The internet can be a scary place, kids). You think back to the old days, of playing various tabletop and console games. Ah, before the escapist enlightenment that is dark barnacle. You still have some feelings of nostalgia for them, though. Perhaps sometime soon you'll play through an elder scrolls game (frost mage all day) or bioshock (winter blast all day) or guild wars (ice elementalist all day).

Man, it would sure be great to manipulate the world like that. That's the definition of magic, you know, breaking the laws of physics. Bending them to your will like water under your fingertips as it transmutes into snow, and then ice. The knowledge that these crystalline structures are at your beck and call, their familiar touch cools your flesh and betrays the clouds of your breath in the air. The possibilities, multifarious arrangements of ice sheets forming walls, fortresses, people, a city, an empire. A world of your own, free from the flawed warmth and emotion of mankind, a world ruled by cold intellect and logic, where cause follows effect, action causes reaction, and things make sense. Where it doesn't take years of training in sociology and cosmology to know something. Where common sense is actually common. Where creatures of reason live up to their name. That would be a nice world, you decide. That would be a place-

Dammit. Your screensaver turned on.

> Austin: Get started doing something useful.

You shake out of your reverie, startling your mouse at the same time. There's probably something you've been putting off.

Math work? No, you can study for that later. It's too late in the evening for that kind of thing anyway.
Computer science? You'd need your partners for that, and one of them is in a dancing class right now. Fuckin' nerd.
Game design? You finished all your work for that class earlier this week. But it does remind you of something.

All your friends and most game reviewers are getting their panties in a twist over this new game coming out, even though there's no possible way it could be better than Dark Barnacle. You think that you'll exercise your your entirely overwrought expertise and dispel some misinformation. That'll show those heretics who's boss. Metaphorical heretics, in this case. Literal heretics are usually just educated with kindness or gently asked to leave.

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Re: Your name is AUSTIN FREEMAN...

Post  arcWinter on Fri Jul 26, 2013 6:06 am

> Austin: Get ridiculously offended.

You believe that Alice just compared you to a flagrant phallus while mocking your skills at DB. This... this will not fucking stand. You attempt to rectify the situation, and things go very well!

-- arcWinter [AW] began pestering cheshireSmiling [CS] --
AW: excuse you, I believe you made a clerical error in your last post.
AW: or maybe it was a typo that just went strangly unfixed.
CS: oh right
CS: sorry about that
CS: let me fix it:
CS: "heinous cock"
AW: I am neither heinous nor egregious and I have multiple witnesses to support this.
CS: i don't believe you
AW: your lack of heinousness or egregiosity is, unfortunately, far less certain.
CS: and your witnesses are probably assholes
AW: considering you number among them, that's probably accurate.
CS: wait what
CS: that makes absolutely no sense
CS: you make no sense
CS: shut up
AW: that doesn't make me any less right.
CS: yes it does
AW: nuh uh.
CS: yeah huh
AW: no way.
CS: yeah sorry
AW: an outright fabrication.
CS: (ps i'm not sorry at all)
AW: wow.
AW: talk about uncivilized.
AW: I thought I was going to come correct you, maybe collect an apology, and be on my way, but apparently not.
AW: apparently they give barbarians access to the internet too.
AW: the wonders of the modern world, eh??
CS: hey
CS: hey guess what
AW: what??
CS: fuck you
CS: <3
AW: those signals were so mixed I thought they were proponents of segregation in the 1970s.
CS: yeah that's the idea
CS: also
CS: also
AW: oh man, double the also??
AW: I can't wait to hear this.
CS: i'm gonna wreck your shit so hard at sburb
CS: you will not even know what is comin
CS: coming
CS: shit
AW: did you forget who is the master of mouse, the commander of keyboard, the virtual virtuoso who will rain down digital destruction all up at your shit??
AW: it's me, by the way.
AW: I am the person I was just talking about.
CS: master of the mouse
CS: isn't worth my spit
CS: comforter, philosepher, and life long shit
CS: i spelled that wrong i don't care
CS: also i'm done with that i dont' really want to start talking about your prowess in bed
AW: yeah, because you know better than to comment about the sexual abilities of a priest of the Lord of Boners.
CS: even if it is still an insult
CS: also i didn't even read the rest of that
CS: got distracted
CS: sorry not sorry
AW: you're terrible at this.
CS: i didn't know there were rules
AW: no wonder I keep destroying you in dark barnacle, you probably get distracted by some random outcropping of booty or whatever.
AW: have you tried: not doing that??
CS: wait how do you keep destroying me in db
CS: i don't even pvp
AW: that's even worse than forfeiting in shame.
CS: like are you keeping a tally of our pve achievments
CS: because if so damn you are paying a lot of attention to me
CS: i didn't know this rivalry meant so much to you
AW: the only attention I am paying to you is the attention necessary to leave your "achievements" in my dusk.
AW: b-baka.
CS: might wanna back off though i think tg vying for the spot as my 'ultimate rival' or whatever
AW: tg more like trash gamer.
AW: I don't think you guys understand how kind I am, giving you all this help.
CS: sssh sssh don't ruin her dreams
AW: and you pay it back by throwing sass and bollocks in my face.
CS: she thinks she's trolling me hardcore it's adorable
AW: more like, she's insulting your honor.
CS: how
CS: she keeps giving me shit
CS: it's like
AW: sounds like emotional manipulation to me.
AW: you should probably deck her.
AW: spiritually, I mean.
AW: not physically, that's very rude.
CS: okay i'm curious
CS: how do you spiritually deck someon
CS: someone
AW: accurately.
CS: also can you seriously fucking play a baby because i am going to make a baby character
CS: it's going to happen
AW: otherwise you'll leave yourself open for a mighty soulfisting.
CS: ew
AW: don't actually make a baby character.
CS: why not
AW: they have their chat disabled and just make "goo goo" sounds whenever you try to type.
AW: it's impossible to coordinate any sort of raid or battle.
CS: like this wouldn't just be a joke character anyways
CS: i don't need to communicate with people
CS: fuck koreans
AW: hey, just because they don't use His alphabet doesn't mean they're bad people.
CS: yeah it just means i don't care about interacting with them
CS: tbf i don't care about interacting with most people
CS: including you why am i talking to yo
CS: you
CS: fuck
AW: probably because there's an inescapable whirlpool of personal charm and charisma that follows me around everywhere.
CS: that sounds like a problem
AW: not anyone can lead thousands of people to salvation, you know.
AW: no, it's great.
CS: like massively inconvenient
CS: how do you live like that
CS: i just wouldn't know how
CS: actually wait
CS: neither would you
AW: alice.
AW: may I speak frankly here??
CS: be my guest.
AW: okay.
AW: and now that we've had all our input from my friendly yet uncultured friend named frank, let me speak honestly.
CS: god fucking dammit i was drinking water
CS: it's in my nose now
CS: this is really uncomfortable
CS: you fucking prick
AW: see??
AW: this is why civilized people use these weird things called 'cups.'
CS: i'm going to puke on everything you love
AW: make sure to do it over a toilet.
AW: or burial cairn.
AW: whatever your people defecate on.
CS: everything
CS: you
CS: love
AW: oh.
AW: that's a weird and inefficient custom.
CS: yeah well
CS: so are you
AW: that doesn't make sense.
CS: yeah that wasn't my finest comeback
CS: oh well
AW: and your lack of sense only makes me even more right.
CS: i can't always be perfect
AW: you can't, but I can.
CS: ha
CS: hahaha
CS: hahahahahaha
AW: now that's just rude.
CS: dude
CS: have you MET me
AW: past experiences don't give you permission to act like an ungrateful lout.
CS: yes they do
AW: have you even read a text on manners??
CS: yes
CS: i then promptly disregarded all of it
AW: that's the opposite of what you were supposed to do.
AW: I don't have all day to verbally massacre you, despite appearances.
CS: what am i supposed to apologize for again
CS: at this point i'm pretty sure i'm wracking up a pretty high count
AW: yeah.
AW: how about we just go with, say, everything??
CS: nah
CS: i can't apologize if i don't know what for!
CS: that would be insincere.
CS: and being insincere is rude.
AW: that is true.
AW: in that case, I accept your acceptance of my dominance.
CS: yeah okay if that helps you sleep at night
AW: what a witty remark.
AW: I am taken aback by the chimp that attempts human banter.
AW: aha.
AW: aha.
AW: aha.
AW: humorous.
CS: right whatever
AW: man, you can't disregard my utter condescension like that.
AW: that's against the rules.
CS: watch me
AW: I'll watch you fail at both dark barnacle and suburbs.
AW: if I can't get that apology in writing, I'll get it in your tears.
CS: you know what
CS: i'd like to see that
CS: bring it the fuck on
AW: you do realize that my kill count is higher than the total number of seconds you've ever pkayed on any video game ever, right??
AW: you just signed the warrant for your own merciless ganking.
CS: wow
CS: you're doing the self-aggrandizing thing
CS: which pretty much mean
CS: means
CS: i don't give any kind of shit about what comes out of your mouth
AW: woah, rude.
AW: but in this case, there is a grain of truth to it.
CS: you know what
CS: if you really do kick my ass at both db an sburb as thoroughly as you think you will
CS: i will gladly apologize
CS: for whatever the fuck
AW: since that's pretty much a guarantee, what should I wager to make this slightly less completely uninteresting??
CS: huh
CS: man, i'm not sure there's not really much i'd want out of you
CS: wait wait
CS: a public announcement
CS: of how much worse you are than me at everything
AW: ah, okay.
CS: i'm never going to let you live it down
AW: so I'll bet lies, and you'll bet honor.
AW: you do realize that you're on the wrong side of good vs. evil, right??
CS: yeah
CS: paladins are boring anyways
AW: says the rogue before the 'smite' reaches her ears.
CS: whatever bro
CS: does that sound alright to you or not
AW: yeah, yeah, I agree.
CS: sick
CS: well
CS: looking forward to kicking your ass
AW: well, once you've stopped dreaming, I'll be there with a pillow.
AW: and soon the pillow will be in your throat.
AW: that's a threat, to smother you.
AW: to death.
AW: it is a metaphor for how this competition will go down.
CS: i had no idea
CS: thanks for explaining
CS: douchelord
AW: you're welcome.
CS: whatevs i got other shit to do
CS: you have fun doing whatever bullshit it is that you do
CS: later
-- cheshireSmiling [CS] ceased pestering arcWinter [AW] --

"Very well" relative to absolute failure, that is, because the only 'apology' you got was a challenge. Lucky for you, you're a massive nerd, so that challenge is basically a rain check on the apology. I mean, it'd be nice to get it now and not have to waste your time on some awful game, but honor is worth waiting for. And... tg is pestering you? Apparently she can't wait, and wants to discuss strategy for the raid right now! What a proactive player. You make a mental note to congratulate her later, and then immediately forget about the note.

-- technoGender [TG] began messaging arcWinter [AW] --
TG: hey l[]ser
TG: are y[]u busy l[]sing at everyting
TG: because y[]u are a l[]ser
TG: []h burn
AW: no way, I am busy succeeding at everything.
AW: also I'm not too busy doing it, because I don't even have to try.
AW: burn: rebuffed.
TG: yeah y[]u d[]n't have t[] try and be a l[]ser
AW: but yeah, did you want me for something??
TG: because y[]u are []ne
TG: wh[]a damn g[]t y[]u
TG: i []nly am talking t[] y[]u t[] remind y[]u []f h[]w lame y[]u are
AW: oh.
AW: that doesn't work.
AW: I have excellent memory, probably, and even if I did I would only remember that I'm great.
TG: clearly y[]ur mem[]ry sucks
TG: because y[]u are n[]t remember all the sick burns i have put []n y[]u
TG: that sh[]uld n[]w be sick scars []f l[]serness
TG: t[] remind y[]u that y[]u are a giant dumbness
AW: it'd probably help if you used better words than loserness or dumbness.
TG: shut up th[]se are great insults
AW: like, have you ever called me a shit-scarfing waste of carbon??
AW: now THAT'S a good insult.
TG: sm[]key the bear is all up and g[]t his giant bear pants in a wad because []f these sick fires
AW: he should probably see a doctor about that problem.
TG: g[]d damn l[][]k at th[]se massive tr[]users
AW: I'm sure I could cure both those fires and his trousal indignation.
TG: because y[]u are are-winter? wr[]ng fire beats ice, haven't y[]u ever played p[]kem[]n
TG: []h man i just dissed y[]u with c[]ld hard science
AW: actually, fire only beats ice if the environment itself is a lower temperature than the ice.
AW: note that winter is, well, winter.
AW: a whole Cagedamn season.
TG: yeah well the entire sun is fire
TG: i have a entire planet and y[]u []nly have a seas[]n
AW: good thing you aren't throwing me into the sun then, right??
TG: yeah but i mean the sun is there up in the sky all the time
TG: c[]nstantly
AW: and it's always winter on one part of the planet.
AW: actually, three parts.
AW: the arctic, antarctic, and section facing away from the sun.
TG: th[]se d[]n't c[]unt they d[]n't have a centralized g[]vernment
AW: neither does the sun.
TG: have y[]u ever been t[] the sun
TG: y[]u d[]n't kn[]w
AW: Cage has, He created the sun.
AW: and I'm pretty sure I don't know of any blessed peoples living on the sun.
TG: the sun was made my science, theref[]re bill nye made the sun
AW: bill nye was made by Cage.
AW: checkmate, atgheists.
TG: bill nye is like 30 years []lder than nic cage
TG: science wins again
AW: false: Cage is eternal.
AW: religion wins again.
AW: well, technically, the true religion wins again.
TG: []h yeah if cage made everything then wh[] made cage?
TG: []h i g[]t y[]u n[]w y[]u twiddlefucking st[]mpmunch
AW: He made Himself by the very power of His will, impressed upon the void.
AW: like how sometimes you just find money in your pocket, out of nowhere, just when you need it.
AW: except way more meaningful and powered with the might of celestial beings.
TG: s[] nic cage is a crumply d[]llar bill
AW: metaphor.
AW: it was a metaphor.
AW: I... you know what, you can take this up with Him.
AW: I don't really need to know how much you believe my deity is a used piece of currency.
TG: bam i just like straight up insulted y[]ur g[]d
TG: ma+imum dissage
AW: you'll find your way one day, tg.
TG: i just cranked it up t[] like h[]l[]caust j[]ke level
TG: but f[]r nic cage
AW: good thing neither of those jokes offend me.
AW: instead, I shall bless you in His name.
AW: may your path be one of enlightenment and Caged influence, where glory shall seep from your footsteps and art shall flow from your fingertips.
TG: i guess cage did s[]me g[][]d m[]vies
TG: i hear g-f[]rce did well
TG: with like 12 year []lds
AW: what about adaptation??
AW: lord of war??
TG: []r snake eyes []h yeah that was a hit at the b[]+ []ffice
AW: actually I loved snake eyes.
TG: yeah i bet y[]u l[]ved never []n a tuesday t[][]
AW: it was a touching tale of brotherhood gone wrong, corrupted by travolta.
TG: y[]u kn[]w what m[]vie i liked
TG: fr[]m paris with l[]ve
TG: []r maybe the punisher
TG: hairspray was pretty g[][]d
TG: grease was definately a g[][]d []ne
AW: you have very... questiobable tastes in film.
AW: perhaps even somewhat dark.
TG: []h man g[]tta l[]ve wild h[]gs, instant classic
AW: why not wild at heart??
AW: it showcases much more heart-warming actors.
AW: also much less demonic ones.
TG: i think seth green and j[]hn trav[]lta w[]uld make a g[][]d m[]vie t[]gether
TG: []r what ab[]ut seth mcfarlane, he sure d[]es have a wide variety []f v[]ices
AW: john travolta and good do not belong in the same sentence together.
AW: or the same paragraph, or page, or body of work.
AW: he is wholly evil, tg, and you need to stay away from him.
AW: even if you can't respect the Cage, please just save yourself.
TG: pulp ficti[]n was a really g[][]d m[]vie
AW: that's literally the opposite of what I just said.
TG: think []f all the great act[]rs in it
AW: all of them except travolta??
AW: yes, quality performances.
AW: truly amazing on screen.
TG: bruce willis
TG: d[]n't y[]u think bruce willlis is great
TG: i hear they're making an[]ther die hard
AW: oh, I haven't heard about it.
AW: I still need to see the first.
TG: it's pretty great
TG: he makes great m[]vies
TG: like die hard
TG: die hard tw[], die harder
TG: live free, die hard
TG: die hard with a vengance
TG: live fast, die hard
AW: I can't tell if those are real or not but the titles are unpleasant enough for me to hope otherwise.
TG: but wait i'm n[]t d[]ne
AW: why are you doing this.
TG: y[]u have t[] hear all these great m[]vies
AW: if they don't have Cage, then they greatest they can be is merely satisfactory.
TG: die hardest
TG: the fast and the die hard
TG: speaking []f that
TG: y[]u kn[]w wh[] else is a g[][]d act[]r
TG: vin disel
TG: fast and furi[]us
TG: the fast and the furi[]us
TG: fast and furi[]us t[]ky[] drift
TG: fast and furi[]us 6
TG: d[]n't y[]u just l[]ve all these m[]vies i am naming?
AW: I'm confused and slightly scared.
AW: also, doing something else.
AW: were you saying words??

-- technoGender [TG] stopped messaging arcWinter [AW] --

As soon as it becomes apparent that your conversation will not consist of hashing out tactics, you begin tidying up your desk. How can you game when the feng shui of your room is in completely disarray?

That was a joke, feng shui is crazy bunk not followed by Cage and thus not followed by you. But you do like cleaning up. A good way to get your mind in order, as well as your room. Your roommates may think differently, but they're the ones who have to live with their bacteria-farming decisions, not you.

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Re: Your name is AUSTIN FREEMAN...

Post  arcWinter on Wed Aug 28, 2013 8:27 pm


You fail at participating in an epic cleanliness montage because your space is already pretty clean, so it only takes you about an hour to get everything organized. You go through your clothing drawer and make sure everything is folded - not to ensure that they don't wrinkle, but so that they fit in the Cagedamn drawers. Typical of a modern educational institution. Nothing is as efficient as it should be. That's what happens when you take Cage out of the classroom. You head back to your desk to finish that up and are about to get to your favorite part, sweeping behind the monitor and printer, when someone pesters you. Again.

You sure are popular today.

-- cheshireSmiling [CS] began pestering arcWinter [AW] at 01:23 --
CS: yo you around
AW: ah.
AW: so the beast comes groveling before its master.
AW: what do you want.
CS: oh my god
CS: okay you know what fuck it your'e the worst i give up
-- cheshireSmiling [CS] ceased pestering arcWinter [AW] at 01:25 --

You're not sure what that was about, but you know who is a huge bitch. Hint: it's Alice. Did nobody ever teach her manners? Your condescending thoughts are interrupted by a double ding from the chat window. Did you accidentally stumble into some new cologne or something? Your friends really are insatiable.

-- cheshireSmiling [CS] began pestering arcWinter [AW] at 01:25 --
CS: fdshksfddsj NO I DON'T
CS: look are you like actually pissed or whatever
CS: ps you can say things now hopefully you can't ruin a yes or no question
AW: define "actually pissed."
CS: like are you actually upset about what i called you earlier
CS: i kinda cant always tell
AW: my honor is maligned, of course I'm Cagedamn upset.
AW: I mean, slightyl.
AW: I'm a bit miffed.
AW: there is a miniscule bee in my bonnet.
CS: ok well
CS: i'm gonna apologize but that doesn't mean our challenge isn't still on
CS: because i'm still gonna wreck your shit
CS: i just didn't mean to actually bother you
CS: so
CS: sorry about that
AW: well well well, strangely perceptive for a troglodyte.
CS: don't make me regret this you asswipe
AW: I really couldn't care less about being challenged by a lesser species, but my honor can't stand an insult.
AW: I was going to destroy you utterly in-game, but now I don't have to.
AW: (I still am though).
AW: I answered your question.
AW: no, I ain't mad, yes, I still wanted an apology, yes, you have still sealed your own fate.
AW: multiple questions, really.
AW: so needy.
CS: i
CS: you
CS: wow
AW: don't make me break character, I swear.
CS: you are such a bag of dicks
AW: please don't be that dense.
CS: what
AW: is your empathy really that stunted??
AW: do a cold reading or two.
AW: get all up in my head.
CS: i'm really bad at this okay
AW: do you want me to write another guide for you??
CS: yes
CS: but only if it's as funny as the first one that was p great
AW: I have twelve thousand words on understanding simple speech and the concepts of humor lined up just for you.
CS: okay scratch that
AW: would you be happy if I said the tone was about 20% snarkier??
CS: i suddenly don't want this anymore
AW: well, if you can't handle the intellectual banter, get back in the kitchen, I guess.
CS: yeah i guess i better
CS: with all the fire
CS: and sharp knives
CS: and toxic materials
CS: this is gonn go real well for you right
AW: of course.
AW: I have frost magic.
AW: that's why I'm in the study, with my books and computer.
CS: i'm saying i'm gonna make you a sandwich full of knives and bleach
CS: is what i'm saying
AW: a sandwich??
AW: for me??
AW: I'm so flattered.
AW: and also so unaware that our relationship had progressed to such a level.
CS: hey man don't read into it
CS: it's nt liek i like you or anything
CS: b-baka
CS: wow that was full of typos sorry
AW: I really doubt that it would have come across better if it was spelled with the accuracy of a shakespearean scholar.
AW: also I'm pretty sure you just proposed marriage to me.
AW: I'm not okay with this.
CS: what are you shooting me down
AW: do you know if there is some kind of suitably matured figure around to assist me in this situation??
CS: aw man and here i spent all this money on a ring
AW: or, in terms you can understand - I need an adult.
CS: welp
CS: i am an adult
CS: ;D
AW: ...
CS: ;D ;D ;D
CS: ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
AW: so since you bought the ring, I guess I'm - STOP WINKING AT ME THROUGH THE VIRTUAL MEDIUM.
CS: ;D
CS: okay i'm done
CS: for now
AW: was it as good for you??
CS: i've had better
AW: are you TRYING to continue insulting my honor??
CS: yes
AW: I assume that these apologies will need to be beat out of you.
CS: you said you weren't actually pissed so
CS: i am continuing my usual train of showing friendship via gentle antagonization
CS: or not really gently
AW: just because I didn't associate your debt with an emotion doesn't mean you are off the hook.
CS: well yeah it'd be wicked boring if you just
CS: let me off
AW: more like, get you off.
CS: come on i am looking forward to this challenge
CS: oh you wish
AW: you won't shuffle off it, I'll shove you.
AW: and there will be screaming all the way down.
AW: screaming of defeat.
AW: from you.
CS: in your dreams
AW: as a priest of the Cage, it's not really out of the question that my dreams would be prophetic.
AW: so... okay.
CS: fun fact: i am going to cave in your skull
CS: hit a fucking home run on your head.
CS: apparently i'm scout now, don't ask questions
AW: considering I will likely be controlling the elements like you push buttons on a microwave...
AW: good luck getting close enough to me to even see my immaculate visage.
CS: oh right that reminds me
CS: apparently jeff sent me some cool new shit in db
AW: good.
AW: so you won't be a liability.
CS: wow screw you
AW: now all we need is to convince ezra to actually play, isaac to get farther than the tutorial, andrea to stop asking for free shit, and everyone else to get on a level at least not pitiably distant from mine...
AW: and then we'll be good.
CS: yeah i'm helping isaac out later should be a fun time
CS: also i thought ezra already tried it?
CS: idk if he doesn't actually like the game not a whole lot of poin
CS: point
CS: fuck
AW: playing for a few hours and then watching thomas the tank engine for the next week doesn't count as playing.
AW: it's a disgusting excuse for gaming that shames people who actually put time and effort into their work.
CS: eh i'd rather not play with him than play with someone who's gonna bitch about the game
AW: also he kind of hasn't logged in in multiple months.
CS: y'know
CS: also wow you take this really seriously
CS: i mean i knew that
CS: but sometimes i get reminded and i have to take a minute
AW: I do that too.
AW: but it's more like, I forget that I have hands.
AW: and then I look down, and it's like, OH SHIT.
CS: and i'm never sure if i'm impressed or repulsed
AW: you're repulsed at how impressed you are.
AW: "how can one man be so talented, intelligent, witty, and yet still maintain a charismatic facade for those beneath him??"
CS: also wow you are never allowed to insult my intelligence again
CS: you forget you have hands
CS: you forget about a part of your body that has been attached to you since birth and are full of nerve endings that remin you of their existence
CS: also
CS: you use them all the time
CS: and i'm dense for lacking a little bit of interpersonal understanding
CS: okay
CS: whatever you say asswipe
CS: did i use that twice in this conversation
CS: i think i did
AW: I'm just so busy doing important things, I can't keep my mind focused on two little bits of flesh.
AW: or one little bit of flesh, i.e. you.
CS: rude
AW: I have over EIGHT CHARACTERS to manage.
AW: all in different guilds, with different classes and playstyles.
CS: fuck
AW: yeah, it's so "difficuly."
AW: I sometimes have difficuly getting out of bedy in the morningy.
CS: i hate it when my typos ruin my hateflirting
AW: I think: "how am I going to dealy with all the importanty tasks that I have scheduledy??"
CS: i'm going to strangle you
AW: did I forget to mention that I am a master of reality itself??
AW: I'm sure that was in here somewhere.
CS: in what reality is that a reality
AW: also, I'm going to ignore that bit about flirting and continue mocking you.
AW: I don't need more fans, I already have about... all of them.
CS: because i might just have to go jump off a cliff if it's this one
AW: I hope you own a parachute.
AW: (no I don't).
AW: (wait, yes I do).
CS: also i'm not sure if i want to continue winking at you
AW: (no point in winning a competition by your opponent's forfeiture).
AW: you don't.
CS: or just laugh uproariously at the notion that you have fans
CS: i might do both
AW: why not neither??
AW: that sounds like a good option to me.
CS: ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
AW: an excellent, one, even- CAGE FUCKING DAMMIT.
CS: ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D  ;D ;D ;D;D ;D ;D  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
CS: i'm so glad that was still in my clipboard
AW: I am going to punish you for every mistake you have ever made.
AW: your avatar will bear the sins of this earth and thousands like it.
CS: well that sounds dirty
AW: now then.
CS: do i have to wear a collar
CS: can i have a safe word
AW: every puny action you have ever undertaken will be struck from the earth.
CS: safety is important in these things you know
AW: especially the action you are taking right now, in speaking these words.
AW: there will be no safe haven left.
AW: all you shall know is pain, suffering, and the continuation of the two.
AW: a blending of despair that I shall sup like it is ambrosia.
CS: the safe word is "austin is incredible at everything he does"
CS: because there are no other situation in which i would say those words
CS: situations
CS: that should be plural
CS: i need to type less fast
AW: you should just stop typing.
AW: and let me continue.
AW: good idea, hmm??
CS: you can continue
CS: but i'm not going to stop typing this is way too funny
CS: also ftr you are getting to be like
CS: tg-tier
CS: in that apparently the exact same things throw the two of you off
AW: do you want me to just start ignoring you and ranting??
AW: I'm trying to be polite.
CS: you're kinda failing
CS: do you know what polite means
AW: yes.
AW: it means being classy and well-spoken while destroying someone's entire being.
AW: I'm the epitome of it, fyi.
CS: wow, then you're really awful at it
CS: like seriously
CS: wow
CS: i'm a little sad for you
AW: don't be.
AW: save the pity for yourself.
CS: like you haven't even been destroying me a little
CS: you're just kinda
AW: this shitty game that we've been talking about hasn't even gotten out yet.
AW: well, I mean, nobody's played it yet.
CS: pointlessly rambling at a screen
AW: a screen that contains your avatar.
CS: who has not been taking any damage
CS: try harder
CS: do better
CS: maybe, if you're lucky, fail less.
AW: those are my lines you soulless shrew.
AW: besides, if I attacked you in dark barnacle, it wouldn't be fair.
CS: you can have them back when you deserve them
AW: it would be like an ironclad destroyer launching a nuclear missile at a plank of wood.
AW: a plank that is not even floating, it's just stuck in a sandbar.
AW: it cannot float because it does not understand the concept of surface tension.
CS: you're getting off track, dear.
CS: i think you started talking about sburb?
AW: right, suburbs.
AW: you don't even have it yet, so I'm free to trash your talk all I please.
CS: wait, i don't even have it yet
CS: are you saying you do
AW: ...I am not saying anything.
CS: you totally already have it
CS: you son of a bitch
AW: not with me right now.
AW: it's in the trash can with the other garbage.
CS: you weren't even interested in the game ydshfdkjshsgklgu YOU
CS: you can't win if you don't play, hon
CS: can't play if it's in the trash
CS: are you going to let me win without even putting up a challenge?
CS: because i kind of thought better of you, man.
AW: I forgot it was there, all right??
AW: no point in keeping track of a shitty game that won't even hold a candle to dark barnacle.
AW: it will barely even comprehend the existence of light with its prehistoric eyes, that is how far behind this shit is.
CS: riiiight, riiight.
AW: okay, fine.
AW: out of the trash, sitting on the desk.
AW: not in any danger of being crushed by falling soda cans or useless calculus textbooks.
CS: that's better.
AW: entirely in danger of being split in half by the hammer of justice that is DARK BARNACLE.
AW: I mean, figuratively.
AW: I don't actually have any hammers except for the one that my roommate has so I guess I do have a hammer.
AW: nevermind I'm going to shatter this blasphemous software, be right back.
CS: okay, guess i win.
CS: definitely pretty boring to win by forfeit, though
CS: tell you what once we're done you can break
CS: not just yours
CS: but also my copy of sburb
CS: if it is really that much shit
AW: consider this deal sealed with the blood of innocents.
AW: also, us.
CS: sweet.
AW: I hope you realize how much humiliation you just brought upon yourself, though.
CS: oh, please
AW: you'd better get the funeral arrangements set up for when you die of shame.
CS: i'll mop the floor with you.
AW: I built this floor with my own Cagedamn hands.
CS: i guess it'll be even more humiliating, then!
CS: great.
CS: :)
AW: that false bravado isn't fooling anyone, you know.
AW: I'm the east coast champion of mmo digest, and have been for the past year.
CS: i'm so sorry
AW: yeah, I should be spending my time on something better.
AW: you're welcome.
CS: oh, also
CS: i've got a present for you from jeff.
AW: one moment please.
CS: i think it's got a certain kind of artistry to it, don't you?
CS: really, a wonder of modern art
CS: it's incredible how accurate that picture of you is
AW: hey, alice.
AW: can I ask a favor of you??
CS: no.
CS: but go ahead, since i doubt that will stop you.
AW: may you please find the nearest cloven-hoofed mammal and place your oral orifice over its rectal cavity, then inhale deeply, I would be most grateful.
AW: or, if that does not suit your fancy, perhaps a scintillating dip into the white hot fires of mount fuck-you??
AW: it's the envy of every spa on this planet, I'm assured.
CS: wow, that's really a lot of thought you've put into my well-being, austin.
AW: in short, you and jeff are the worst people I've had the displeasure to meet, but at least he has a body as devlish as his mind.
CS: dude we were in the same room like twice
CS: and i don't think you looked up long enough to even learn which one was me
AW: yes, and you took up most of the space with your teeth.
CS: my teeth
AW: you have chompers that would put a harvest tractor to shame.
CS: okay so that just proves it
AW: what??
AW: I'm saying you have buck teeth.
AW: that's the joke.
CS: which proves you never bothered to figure out who was who
AW: I don't need to, you're all subhuman.
AW: and only one subhuman had a cute booty.
AW: spoiler alert: it wasn't you.
CS: my butt is incredible
AW: ...right.
CS: i'd say better than yours, but considering you nver got out of that chair, i wouldn't know
AW: I saw one that sagged more than a piece of plastic in the mojave, so I'm going to assume that that was yours.
AW: my butt is honed from years of ergonomic chairs, thank you very much.
AW: also boffer sword combat.
CS: i'm glad you pay so much attention to other people's butts.
AW: i.e. the most honorable form of conflict available.
CS: also
CS: l
CS: m
CS: a
CS: o
CS: honorable
CS: it's funny both because it's you and also becase fucking boffer sword combat
CS: do you listen to yourself
AW: yes.
AW: you obviously have never done it before.
AW: what a peasant.
CS: like jesus christ you are one poor facial hair decision from being the neckbeardiest of all the neckbeards
AW: I live in a dorm, not a basement.
CS: close enough
AW: checkmate, alicetheists.
CS: yeah whatevs
AW: do you really dismiss such decisive victory with "whatevs??"
CS: yes
AW: well, good.
AW: because it is.
CS: also, not that decisive a victory
AW: one that has already been decided.
AW: it's like placing chess, except I have all the pieces, and you have none.
AW: also, the board is all one color.
AW: my color.
CS: that's not very fair.
CS: okay, no, that can be fair
AW: also the pieces are actually just tears that you have recently cried, and I am sipping them from a fancy china teaset.
AW: the china teaset is a metaphor for my verbal barbs.
CS: but only if every one of my turns, i'm able to hit you over the head with my rifle.
CS: the rifle isn't a metaphor for anything.
CS: i literally have a gun i'm going to hit you with.
AW: that's bullshit.
AW: you can't play chess with a rifle.
AW: there are rules to this game, alice.
AW: I mean, they're all my rules, and I make them up in order to cause you pain, but that doesn't make them any less valid.
CS: see, but the thing there is
CS: it's kind of dependant on me giving a shit
CS: about you
CS: or anything that you say
CS: which i pretty obviously don't considering i am hitting you in the head with a heavy gun.
AW: the rule of law does not apply to those who give consent to the law.
AW: the law applies to ALL.
AW: this is one of the key tenets to a just society.
AW: like, seriously, first grade political science, right here.
CS: iiiiii
CS: doooooon't
CS: giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive
CS: a shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
AW: probably because you haven't finished first grade, hmm??
CS: no i just wholesale do not give a shit about anything that comes out of your mouth
CS: like you try really hard
CS: and just
CS: nah.
AW: hahahaha.
AW: you haven't seen me try hard.
AW: this is all natural, like beauty shampoos, except I don't need bad commercials to get people to want to rub me on them.
CS: ha
CS: hahahaha
CS: hahahhahahahahahahahaah
CS: hahaha oh my fucking god
CS: i'm sorry i'm dying over here my lungs hurt
CS: you think anyone wants to touch you
CS: like
CS: legitimately
CS: that is fckin hilarious
AW: thanks.
CS: i'm not laughing with you.
CS: this is strictly at you.
CS: along with an audience of the rest of the world
CS: laughing uproariously at the sad comedy of errors that is you every time you open your mouth
AW: has it ever occurred to you that, in fact, those things may be, truly, a joke??
CS: yeah usually
CS: what do you seriously think i'd say any of this shit and mean it
AW: well, yeah.
CS: i'm not that much of an outrageous douche
AW: doesn't it take self-awareness to be capable of humor through insincerity??
CS: yeah generally
CS: come on it's other people i have trouble with
AW: no, that was an insult.
AW: to you.
CS: usually if you're going to insult someone it helps if it has some kind of grounds in truth
AW: that statement just proved that you did not understand the last bit of humor through insincerity.
AW: a++ work.
CS: whatevs
CS: man remember when this conversation was me tryin to be nice and shit
CS: haha no neither do i
AW: wait, that was the point of this??
CS: yeah i was like
AW: didn't you start insulting me immediately after you "apologized??"
CS: trying to apologize since i thought i was bein a dick
CS: yeah and then you started being all condescending an shit
AW: that was how I accept apologies.
CS: oh
AW: and also how I begin duels.
CS: well
AW: and also how I cook breakfast.
CS: that's a shitty way to do things
AW: condescension is basically my oxygen.
AW: I can survive in space as long as there's someone else there to look down on.
AW: which there usually is, since the whole world is both literally and figuratively beneath me, instead of just the latter.
CS: good to know
CS: i mean i even knew you were just fucking with me but
CS: eughfsdkghsfjsd whatever this is dumb
AW: oh, not yet.
CS: not dumb yet or you're not fucking with me yet
AW: yes.
CS: good answer
CS: ANYWAYS whatever i meant to apologize and i guess that happened so
CS: i'm gonna go. leave you alone now you can keep on doing whatever you do
AW: sounds good.
AW: I will see you at the raid later.
CS: we cool?
AW: and then, after that, I will see you facedown in a pool of your own mana.
AW: in the middle of the suburbs, or something/
AW: when I am involved, the situation is never anything but cool.
AW: (that means yes).
CS: yeah, alright, whatever helps you sleep at night
CS: later bro
-- cheshireSmiling [CS] ceased pestering arcWinter [AW] at 03:25 --

-- suspiciouslyVicarious [SV] began messaging arcWinter [AW] --
SV: I was thinking of you, so I made this.
SV: Not sorry.

-- suspiciouslyVicarious [SV] stopped messaging arcWinter [AW] --
AW: what??
AW: what is that??
AW: what are you even trying to accomplish??
SV: It's a historically accurate picture of you.
-- suspiciouslyVicarious [SV] stopped messaging arcWinter [AW] --
AW: it doesn't even look like me.
AW: where's the charming cheekbones, the cloud-like mass of hair??
SV: It looks -exactly- like you.
SV: You jew.
AW: the eyes that pierce the very soul, the lips that could speak a thousand soliloquies??
SV: If you want something like, waggle your shlong in Alice's face for a few hours and she'll maybe consider it.
SV: Assuming she won't murder you outright.
SV: (You should do it regardless because it'd be hella funny.)
AW: what.
AW: that is decent exposure, and I will do no such thing.
SV: It is decent of you.
SV: I know.
SV: Do it, waggle the wang.
AW: how??
SV: Firmly grasp it.
AW: do I just chop it off and send her a mysterious package in the mail??
AW: no.
SV: Jerk.
AW: do you really want me to grab my genitals while talking to you??
AW: please don't answer that.
SV: Goddamnit.
AW: ...okay, they're grabbed.
AW: continue.
SV: Anyway, you know that guild of japanese guys in DB.
AW: which one??
AW: the number of japanese people attempting to play DB is disturbingly large.
AW: the number of guilds that these people form is the same.
SV: The one's who got on our vent that one time.
SV: And we turned into pretty much the most racist people on the planet.
AW: okay, yeah.
AW: to be fair, they were basically walking stereotypes.
AW: and it was still almost fine until you started trash talking about world war two.
AW: that was just ridiculous.
SV: It was needed, they called my skill rotation "bad".
AW: that is literally the most underwhelming insult they could have chosen.
AW: I'm pretty sure it was constructive criticism too, you just couldn't understand with the accent.
SV: No, fuck them.
SV: Smell of the dead roses is the best started to my one-hit kill combo.
SV: Unrelated note, three of them tried to gank me in one of the cities, I sold their souls to Sa-tin.
AW: in one of the cities??
AW: wow, and they said they were pro.
AW: never try urban maneuvers against a manicurogue.
SV: Right.
SV: Fucking scrubs, the only reason they got a sponser for that pvp battle is because they are asian.
SV: Like chris.
SV: Do you think chris is secretly working to undermine us?
AW: yes.
AW: of course.
AW: but not because he's asian, just because he's chris.
SV: Yeah, being Asian is just a side-effect.
SV: :3c
SV: Speaking of Gyro.
SV: :3c
SV: Was that last one a commpliment?
AW: sort of.
AW: but, anyway.
SV: I play a manicurogue, I see this shit in PM's all the time.
SV: Mostly from you when you suck something awful at PVP.
AW: if you see me sucking, then you must be blind.
AW: the only thing I suck is the nectar of victory from the teat of honorable combat.
SV: Seeing you sucking is sort of common place for me babe.
SV: ;)
AW: well, of course.
AW: it's hard to reach the keyboard from in between your thighs.
SV: Help, I'm getting angry messages in weeaboo.
AW: have you tried ganking them, then their friends, then their family??
AW: all while quietly whispering over area chat "I am the spirit of dishonor??"
SV: What am I Dante Basco?
AW: I don't know, are you??
AW: your night job is a mystery to me.
SV: I could be.
AW: I also don't know who that is, so...
AW: I guess you're even more of an emotional stranger, despite our physical closeness.
SV: Blowjobs bring us together on a emotional and SPIRITUAL level.
SV: I don't know what you are talking about.
AW: I thought you were jeff, not dante.
AW: what are you, a demon-killer??
AW: I thought you were a gankmaster and raidlord.
SV: I am all of these things.
SV: My name is donte tha demon killa
AW: I'm going to just... walk away now.
SV: No you aren't.
SV: Not until you see this.

-- arcWinter [AW] stopped messaging suspiciouslyVicarious [SV] --

You're not really sure what just happened, except that Jeff and Alice are now in a cooperative ownership of the position of "absolute worst." If you didn't need him to be part of your insanely effective PvP partnership, you'd spawnkill him the next time he logged on. And maybe the next. But definitely the time after that.

Alice is much less necessary, but teamkilling before a raid is unconscionable. Oh well. You hope that this suburbs thing is at least a tiny bit fun so you don't have to rely entirely on schadenfreude from her inevitable failures. They will not stop from accruing in the bank account of mutual competition, and you will not stop spending your balance entirely on Cage-themed victory posters. You wonder if sending her a wall-sized poster of Nicolas Cage with your signature on it would be too much. Or perhaps a Bad Dragon dildo with a Cagenist color scheme? There's really no bad option here, as both would suitably demoralize any opponent. Yes, you are truly the master of strategy, the kingpin of schemes, the ultimate authority of- FUCK

You really need to stop having daydreams ended with chat notifications. Either by learning to actually pay some Cagedamn attention, or by disabling sound. You make a mental note to do one of these things, and then immediately forget about it.

-- technoGender [TG] began messaging arcWinter [AW] --
TG: hey y[]u, sludgefucker
AW: what's up there, angry friend??
TG: get y[]ur hand []ff y[]ur gr[]ss misshapen wang and play s[]me shitty k[]rean mm[] with me
AW: how the actual fuck did you know I had my hand on my crotch.
TG: y[]ur sitting in fr[]nt []f the c[]mputer and n[]t []n the af[]rmenti[]ned shitty mm[], what else w[]uld y[]u be d[]ing
TG: besides wanking it t[] y[]ur dumb girlfriend's face
AW: girlfriend??
TG: yeah i kn[]w ab[]ut y[]u and her
TG: y[]u tw[] just l[]ve t[] get []ff []n being hate l[]vers
AW: I don't.
AW: I don't know what you are talking about.
AW: if I'm dating someone, it's probably a good idea that I know about it.
TG: d[]n't try and hide it she g[]t all rifed and ruffled ab[]ut it
AW: ...oh Cage is lily saying she's my girlfriend again??
TG: ew gr[]ss n[]thing with a dying pulse w[]uld jab that thing with a sharp implement
TG: talking ab[]ut alice y[]u ice-f[]r-balls
AW: oh, that sub-human parasite??
AW: is she infatuated with me too??
AW: I mean, I can't really blame them, but jeez.
TG: man she t[]tes spilled the beans she t[]ld me h[]w y[]u were all kind getting c[]ndensting []n everyb[]dy
TG: and by everyb[]dy
TG: i mean y[]u were getting all c[]ndensating []n her
TG: and she was c[]ndensating []n y[]u
TG: and it was just a big humid fuck fest
AW: I really didn't think that was news.
AW: except the fuck fest.
AW: I'm pretty sure that was closer to a fuck-you fest.
TG: fuck y[]u fuck me fuck whatever y[]u tw[] have the giant b[]ner-[]ns f[]r each []ther
AW: that is not even close to true but I'll act like it is to make you feel better.
TG: i can see past y[]ur ruse
AW: oh wow, you have caught me.
TG: i kn[]w y[]u are just pretending t[] n[]t be her girlfriend but agreeing with me that y[]u are her girlfriend t[] hide the fact that y[]u really are her girlfriend
AW: red-handed.
AW: wowie zowie, check out this pair of panties that I have that are totally alice's.
TG: i w[]n't have any []f that d[]uble red-herring shit []n my metaph[]rical b[]at
AW: that I have because of our dating type shenanigans.
TG: i will relay y[]ur theft []f her bl[][]mers t[] her later
AW: in Cage's name, no.
TG: i'm n[]t interested in them i already kn[]w y[]u tw[] are deviant little kink shits
TG: t[][] late the inf[]rmti[]n is mine
TG: the blackmailing will c[]mmence!
AW: I'm an asexual priest, how kinkshitty can I be??
AW: also I'm pretty sure she'd just take it as a joke.
AW: because it is.
AW: humor-ways.
TG: it's the perfect f[]nt
TG: ase+ual panty raider
AW: I'm setting that as my title in dark barnacle and you can't stop me.
TG: i must m[]ve quickly t[] spread this rum[]r
AW: the last thing japanese guilds will see before they respawn is "asexual panty raider."
AW: thank you, tg.
TG: this was much better than playing a shitty k[]rean mm[]
AW: it could have been done over a korean mmo.
AW: it should have been.
TG: i am g[]ing t[] g[] inf[]rm []thers t[] secure their unmenti[]nables
TG: fuck that i hate that game anyways
AW: after you're done, we should get in some practice for the raid tonight.
TG: s[]mething better needs t[] c[]me al[]ng
AW: you hate everything, that means nothing.
AW: I don't know but it's shit and doesn't compare to dark barnacle.
AW: alice and isaac are flipping their dicks about it and it's terrible.
AW: not even a single gank between acquaintances, then??
AW: wow.
AW: that's very, very rude of you.
AW: weird smut, what??
AW: "gank"??
-- technoGender [TG] stopped messaging arcWinter [AW] --

There is no fucking way you're not getting Alice a dildo. Perhaps with a "From your beau <3" tag on it? Amazing. You won't even have to defeat her in suburbs then, because her spirit will be absolutely crushed. And that will leave more time for Dark Barnacle! All it will cost is about $125 for the actual package for the package, and then shipping. Beautiful.

But just what model of dildo? It's the most important question. You consider a Seadragon, perhaps a Vergil, but based on her preferences (that you assume based on her class, outfit, and ability choices in Dark Barnacle. They're 100% accurate, probably) you decide on the Xenogon. She must have incredible hard-ons for aliens, and this is just the one. The design is impeccable, especially with the ridges. Damn, they're so... so... distinguished. You enter her address and begin the process of indescribable humiliation.

If you had a cat, you'd sit back and stroke it in luxurious victory. But all you have is a pillow with a picture of a cat on it. You like cats. So you just pick that up and stroke it instead. Basking in one's own glory is definitely something people should do more often, you think, but they'd probably do it unironically and ruin it for the rest of us. Through your unpleasant contemplation comes ANOTHER FUCKING CHAT NOTIFICATION. You swear on your mum, you're going to disable this shit sometime that isn't now.

-- blackoutPerfectionist [BP] began messaging arcWinter [AW] --
BP: hey, so gamegrl intel has arrived about sburb
AW: oh my Cage.
AW: tg was just caring about suburbs, and now you too.
AW: what happened to having a brain??
AW: I trusted you.
BP: i really need to learn to type faster
BP: what i was going to say is
BP: the game is co-op
BP: do you wanna be my co-op buddy
AW: I kind of already challenged alice to a deathmatch in the game, so...
AW: yes.
AW: our combined might shall leave her and her allies no chances.
AW: especially since I think jeff is conspiring with her.
BP: okay sweet
BP: ...
BP: i hate to ask this
BP: but
BP: have you ever played the sims?
AW: no, but I've seen enough screenshots to get the basic idea.
AW: you torture the innocent inhabitants of a virtual town, right??
AW: have them piss their pants in public and then set their houses on fire.
BP: well, if you want to play the awesome way, yes
BP: but apparently
BP: sburb has similar mechanics
BP: according to gamegrl
AW: okay.
AW: so I should start playing sims to bone up on my suburb expertise.
BP: uhh, sure
AW: that was a joke.
BP: though to be honest, how the hell you will play and not be bored within 5 seconds is beyond me
BP: oh okay phew
AW: it implied I would be gaming on something that is not dark barnacle: a ridiculous fantasy.
AW: which you should be playing now, and getting a character at least past the first exfoliatier for the raid tonight.
BP: ugh
BP: see, i got a character up a couple of levels
BP: but then i realized
BP: that i should ask what class would be best for me to level for the raid
AW: literally any of them.
AW: as long as you gear up correctly.
AW: and I can help you with that.
BP: neat
BP: do you guys need a healer
AW: ...
AW: are you going to be group bitch again??
BP: ...
BP: you're right, i should try to avoid shit like that
BP: especially after...
BP: last time
BP: shudder
AW: yeah.
BP: *shudder**
AW: just go with your eyelineranger and crowd control everywhere.
BP: works for me
BP: well, i guess i'll start working on that
BP: while also trying to scrounge up more info on sburb
BP: what level should be my goal for this
AW: at least the second exfoliatier, so maybe around 25 or so??
AW: also ignore suburbs.
AW: never play suburbs.
AW: there are no suburbs, everything is urban life.
BP: i really wish i could find a title for sburb that wasn't sburb
BP: because it really seems like sburb is an abbreviation
BP: but oh god, that's like
BP: oh wait, that's only like 3 levels
BP: i forgot i got an eylineranger so high up
AW: stupidly boring, unrelentingly retarded bullshit.
AW: that is what sburb stands for, you're welcome.
BP: obviously
BP: but
BP: you still need to win your death match
BP: or whatever competition
BP: okay, off i go to get some actual levels
BP: have fun
AW: cya.
-- blackoutPerfectionist [BP] stopped messaging arcWinter [AW]  --

It's nice to know you have a mortal ally as well as a divine one. With Isaac by your side and Cage guiding both of your actions, Jeff and Alice will soon taste the defeat that their bees have proven that they deserve. After you guys all work together and get your raid on, though, because that's coming up fast. Only a couple more hours. You know this because you had to excuse yourself from boffer combat practice in order to get time for this virtual combat practice. You take a second to appreciate how well-sorted your priorities are. Damn, you're good. Someone this good deserves a reward... like tea, or maybe some poptarts.

You begin staring at your snack cabinet in order to let it know what awaits. Oh, ohh yes. There is no hope left for you, little wooden box containing consumables. Just give up your wealth and come quietly.

> Austin: Slaughter innocent edible goods.


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Re: Your name is AUSTIN FREEMAN...

Post  arcWinter on Wed Mar 26, 2014 1:56 am

> Austin: Settle in for Dark Barnacle: The Pampering.

This is it. You check the clock. And then you check the clock.

THE TIME HAS COME. Fair's fair, and you're gonna give the raid a fair share of delirious ownage. Well, as much as you can as a cosmeticleric. But hey, every good team has a survival-specced divine caster behind them.

You alert Lily to the news, and... fucking kids these days. Really, it's no wonder that everyone looks to you in times of trouble. There's simply nobody else responsible enough!

-- arcWinter [AW] began messaging semblanceEclipsed [SE] at 22:27 --
AW: it is time.
AW: the hour of our victory has come, and the enemies of righteousness shall fall.
AW: the excrement of darkness shall heave mightily fan-wards, and be decimated by the force of our glory.
SE: whta
AW: you asked me to pester you about the raid that needs to happen.
SE: ah
AW: this is me pestering you about the raid that needs to happen.
SE: Oh my god what time is it?!
AW: time to log the fuck in.
AW: and by "time to log the fuck in" I mean it's a few hours before you have to log in.
AW: just after 8, if you want a better estimate.
SE: Yeah, with the exception of being like 3 miles from my computer in darkness!
AW: well whose fault is that??
SE: Argh I didn't mean to fall asleep >_>
SE: I have sleep issues though
SE: I mean
SE: well
SE: ...
AW: also how are you 3 miles from your computer??
AW: is that your sleep issue??
SE: you know what forget I said that
AW: I figured it out.
AW: I've got it.
AW: you can sleep teleport and you can't let anyone know or else the government will do experiments on your brain.
SE: sleep walking is an issue however that has nothing to do with me falling asleep while trying to fish
AW: don't worry, your secret is safe with me.
SE: The govern-
SE: wow so you spouting bullshit all the time isn't just rumor
AW: I see, and now you're denying it because they're probably watching this conversation.
AW: good thinking.
AW: I knew I kept you around for something.
SE: yeah because you're a huge pervert
AW: other than somnambulistic escapades.
AW: dear, I'm a priest.
SE: so were like 90 other dudes in history
AW: they weren't Cagenist, though.
SE: who all gave into their manly urges and sinned
AW: my Lord shelters me from such corruption.
SE: and became huge bitches about it
SE: that's what they said
SE: then they said he demanded they get sum D
SE: He*
AW: it's probably because they were just holding back their desires the whole time, considering them evil.
AW: Cage doesn't do that.
AW: He understands that we are human, and such things are quite natural.
SE: we're getting off-topic here
AW: yes.
SE: point is you are a huge pervert
SE: end of story
AW: no, that was not even close to the main topic, nor even close to a fact.
SE: you are a boy, ie you are a pervert
SE: this is actual science
SE: don't contest it
AW: you misspelled sexism.
SE: no i didn't
SE: sexism is just feminism mispelled
AW: you must have misspelled sexy, then.
AW: "you are a boy, i.e. you are sexy."
AW: woah there, calm down.
SE: well, yeah, but
AW: get your lust in control, lily, I'm a man of faith and such talk is not suited for my ears.
SE: that's different
AW: I...
AW: let's get back to the topic at hand.
SE: you are a man blah blah blah get on my dick
SE: that's what you meant
SE: or
SE: wait
AW: that's what -you- meant.
AW: you want me on your phallus so hard it's embarrassing.
SE: No!
AW: it's okay, I'm used to it.
SE: See! You are a huge pervert!!
SE: Stop talking about dicks you gross shit!
AW: I hate to echo the cardinal cry of the toddler, but "you started it."
SE: And I don't even have one..
AW: ...
AW: that can be fixed.
SE: I'll echo the cardinal cry of the big brother and slap your shit until you renounce all of your evidence.
AW: I'm sure jeff would offer.
AW: you know, to grant you the d.
SE: That can be said about every guy
SE: because they are GUYS
SE: they are literally built try and become god so that rain can actually be their jizz
SE: that is a metaphor but whatever
AW: that's a horrific mental image and you are going to stop mentioning it.
AW: retroactively.
SE: if forgot a to in there
AW: you are going to change history and never say that sentence that you just uttered because it is not okay.
SE: shit its hard to type coherently while running.
AW: are you seriously...
SE: well it's true
AW: well, good work with your dedication to dark barnacle, I suppose.
SE: I'm tryign to get home so we can play DB:TP asshole
SE: yeah see
SE: submit to my superior knowledge and reasoning
SE: muahahaha
AW: I would, but neither of those things are real.
AW: at least the "superior" part of them is demonstrably false.
SE: more real than france
SE: and that has a whole language written about it
SE: so deal with it loooser
AW: more real than france is like saying less antagonistic than tg.
AW: it applies to literally everything, even things that aren't things.
SE: the point is
SE: france is fake and has its own language
AW: yes, I know.
AW: that's common knowledge.
SE: okay cool
SE: so
AW: did you know that the sky is blue??
SE: what was this even about
AW: did you know that water is made of many particles??
AW: wow, so interesting and new.
SE: oh damn
AW: this information has blown my mind.
AW: literally.
SE: chemistry man
SE: science
SE: did it?
AW: my skull cavity is entirely empty due to these revelations.
AW: no more brain, or blood, or anything.
SE: sweet, I ran out of chum on my last fishing trip
AW: it's just gone.
AW: see, look at how charitable I am.
SE: mind donating your mind particles?
AW: of course not, I'm the consummate priest.
SE: omg thank you so much you saved me like 5 dollars
SE: fuck
AW: what??
SE: wait
SE: what
SE: I assumed you would say yes..
AW: you just said "fuck" after I kindly offered you the use of my brainpan for fish-catching endeavors.
SE: no you said
SE: you wouldn't donate
AW: I'm going to pretend that this isn't one of your clumsy euphemisms.
SE: I mean
AW: no, I said I wouldn't mind.
SE: oh wait
SE: fuck
AW: do you need help phrasing your questions better??
AW: I offer tutoring in between classes.
SE: no I'm pouting about misreading and then saying the wrong things
AW: you're pouting and running at full sprint.
AW: that's some good coordination.
SE: I wish your ass was this garage door
AW: I didn't know you were into that.
AW: but I'm not, so I'm going to have to ask you to please refrain from that action.
SE: Into kicking the ass of smug douchebags
AW: you'll have to talk to chris about that.
AW: the only ass here is the sweet, innocent rump of a generous priest.
SE: the only people who aren't into that are the smug douchebags that prefer to shit without the interuption of bruises along their anus/ass muscles.
SE: Innocent.
AW: I was under the assumption that most people preferred to shit without bruises along their ass.
SE: yes, but only the smug douchebags actively deal with that
SE: so they would be against getting an ass-kicking
SE: what did you even pester me for
AW: I've said this twice.
AW: you have to get ready for the raid because barely anyone is adequately prepared.
AW: I'm fully-geared and in the right location.
AW: I don't expect the same of any other person.
SE: did everyone respond to the forum??
AW: a few people did.
SE: who??
AW: isaac is getting there, I think alice... did something, and jeff should be on his way.
SE: okay so 5 ish probably
AW: the others just sort of dicked around, which is to be expected.
AW: but not tolerated.
SE: I guess that's workable.. I would have preferred more but
SE: We can still wreck shit with only 5
SE: 3 of which are adept
AW: me, me, and me.
SE: hurr hurr hurr
AW: that's kind of rude to the others to state so obviously, you know.
SE: me, you, and jeff
SE: although i still think jeff stole my fire so
SE: or lightning
SE: I dont remember the phrase
AW: I have absolutely no clue what you're talking about, but I'm going to assume it's confirming a secret passion between the two of you.
AW: I'm sure he "stole your fire" with lust and gusto, eh??
SE: no, we are both manicurogues and he DEFINITELY stole my ideas
AW: a lot of stealing going on.
AW: maybe he even managed to nab... your heart??
SE: we were training together this one time trying to figure out how to get the most amount of dps with our abilities and whatever
SE: shut up you perv
AW: it's not perversion, it's shipping.
SE: trying to get every interaction between two people lacking of clothes
SE: you are a gross creepy priest
SE: what kind of priest likes to see other people fuck?
SE: that's like weirder than the ones who do
AW: woah, I don't want to see it.
AW: that's disgusting.
SE: god damnit austin
AW: I just want people to find peace in each others' embrace, and see the spirit of one who truly loves them for who they are, y'know??
AW: you're the one who keeps using really shabby innuendos.
SE: nice cover-up
AW: that's a cover-up like your "sleep problem" is just a cover-up for manic fantasies about your gaming bros.
SE: it wasn't an innuendo
SE: game bro is terrible
SE: game girl is almost tolerable
SE: almost
AW: they're both awful because they approve of suburbs.
AW: no, we're not speaking of this.
AW: nope.
AW: denied.
SE: I heard things got hot between you and Alice about that ;)
AW: oh my Cage.
SE: ;) ;) ;)
AW: I will neither confirm nor deny that sparks were flying like fireflies on a hot summer eve.
SE: wow what are you emo shakespeare
SE: stfu kid
AW: The question as to whether our bodies were meshed together in a slick, tender embrace or not is completely irrelevant.
AW: shut up, I'm a poet and you know it.
SE: slam poetry is hardly being a poet
AW: it is the epitome of being a poet.
SE: no its the epitome of trying to justify being a poet
AW: it's the epitome of utilizing poetry to its full extent.
AW: i.e. being a complete badass.
SE: i thought you said your ass was smooth
AW: it's smooth and bad.
SE: thats not a bad ass, I think that's supposed to be a good one
AW: but bad in a positive way.
AW: my ass the smoothest bad boy to ever soliloquize about a famous actor purifying the world.
SE: I'll stop you there
SE: so you are gonna play SBURB though, right?
AW: no.
AW: okay, yes.
AW: but only to absolutely annihilate alice.
SE: can I play with you??
SE: I thought it was a team game
AW: sure, and whatever.
SE: and I'm one of the best in DB:TP too!
AW: isaac has promised to assist me in my endeavors.
SE: well then
AW: since jeff is helping out that hag.
SE: I'm soooo telling her you said that
AW: uh, okay.
SE: your smooth ass is busteeeed
SE: shes gonna fucking wreck you
AW: feel free to relay ever single word I have mentioned in this conversation.
SE: teehee!
AW: also, are you serious??
SE: if you don'
SE: get me on yo team
SE: then ye
SE: i think i forgot some letters there
AW: you just mentioned her busting in close proximity to my ass, and then uttered a mutation of "fuck."
SE: but anyways
AW: first of all, you're going to need to curtail your use of innuendos.
AW: second of all, sure.
AW: third of all, you're really bad at blackmail.
SE: eEE!!
SE: I mean
SE: cool.
AW: oh my Cage.
SE: is this blackmail?
SE: I hadn't a clue
SE: :33
AW: you are literally the least innocent person I know, and I've had confessions from criminals.
SE: well it worked so im not concerned with how effective it might be on others.
AW: it worked because I could use another person on my team, not because I'm actually scared you'll do anything.
SE: it worked because Cage hath commanded it
SE: and you subconciously accepted
SE: the universe works in mysterrrious wayyyys
SE: spooooooky
AW: I consciously accepted it because it benefits me and it's always better to have competent friends on your team when destroying less-than-competent friends.
SE: excuses, excuses
SE: you know those only ever lead to dead ends
SE: speaking of dead ends I'm home.
AW: that's not ominous at all.
SE: most omnivorous
SE: or ominous
SE: what you said ^^
AW: those are a full syllable apart.
AW: are you sure you're actually awake??
SE: your ass is a full syllable apart
AW: what did I say about euphemisms, lily??
SE: that they are charming and seductive :?
AW: no.
AW: also stop trying to seduce me.
AW: that's banned.
SE: Say's who?
SE: to trying to seduce you, and as to my neither denied nor acceptance of said claim of trying to seduce a certain someone.
AW: says me.
AW: also you're really bad at this.
SE: rude as hell
SE: I could be bad
AW: I'd take you under my wing and teach you, but that could be construed as acceptance of such seduction.
SE: or I could be acting
AW: you're bad at being good at acting, then.
SE: or this could all be a figment of your imagination
SE: and your inner lust
SE: which you shall succumb to
SE: in the future
SE: woah
SE: mind = blown, right
AW: I don't have any lust to succumb to.
AW: my mind is so intact they use it to reinforce fort knox.
SE: kinx
SE: *
SE: woops
AW: ...
SE: seriously wtf with the k in there
SE: english is a terrible language
AW: but it works.
SE: im not going to go into why that is
SE: because im busy avoiding tuna fish.
AW: I'm just... not going to ask.
SE: its better for everyone that way
SE: okay so I have gotten to my comput-
AW: hyphen.
SE: well
SE: there's a bit of a
SE: how do i put this
SE: octopus on it
SE: ...
SE: sooo
AW: well, move it.
SE: It's twice my size!
SE: And could probably throw a car if it was mad enough!
SE: i mean
SE: she
SE: is
AW: okay, so dodge the car.
AW: you're a manicurogue.
AW: what do octopi eat??
AW: lure her away with some tasty virgin or whatever.
AW: not you, I mean.
SE: All sorts of things, really
AW: don't get eaten.
SE: What makes you think I'm a virgin?
SE: god you need to put a filter on that or something
AW: are you saying you're not??
AW: have you and jeff- oh, oh no.
AW: you're having an affair with the octopus.
SE: you know how many people you would trigger bubblr if some one heard you talking
AW: you know what bubblr needs??
AW: Cage.
AW: them motherfuckers need Cage.
SE: on
SE: on bubblr
SE: how did i forget that word
AW: you're cheating on bubblr too??
SE: im so bad at this right now
AW: wow.
SE: Ill gurt you.
SE: hurt
SE: fuuuuuck
AW: you're going to gogurt me, oh no.
-- semblanceEclipsed [SE] stopped messaging arcWinter [AW] --
AW: ragequit all you want, just make sure to be next to the questgiver for the raid in a few hours, and make sure you're properly geared.
-- arcWinter [AW] stopped messaging semblanceEclipsed [SE] --

> Austin: Okay, actually do it this time.

RAID ENGAGED. You spend a few hours locked in to your computer screen as the team clears mob after mob, finally winning a pyrrhic victory against the boss (who must have gotten a power boost in an update. Such bullshit).

You're not sure if your fingers are shaking because of caffeine, sleep deprivation, or exertion, but as a doctor, you're pretty sure that they all point to a single cure - mad naps.

> Austin: Acquire said naps.

You do so!

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