DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++

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DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++

Post  arcWinter on Mon Mar 04, 2013 8:51 pm

DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++
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[Introduction...............]
[Classes.....................]
[Skills & Leveling..........]
[Locations...................]
[Quests & Enemies........]
[Glitches & Easter Eggs.]
[Endtroduction.............]

INTRODUCTION
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As you may have noticed from the title, this is not only a pro guide to playing the best MMO on the modern market (and likely the market for years to come as well), this, in fact, a PRO GUIDE++, which means that if you aren't a pro already then you're probably preemptively screwed.

For those of you watching at home, that was a joke. This is a nearly foolproof guide. Chances are that if your name is not Jeff or your brain has not endured significant cinderblock-based damage, you are going to succeed the fuck out of dark barnacle and skyrocket to the highest exfoliatiers.

Anyway, in closing, I know what I'm talking about and if you read and follow this guide to the letter, soon nobody will have the chutzpah to even question your virtual fashion. Good luck, and Cagespeed.

CLASSES
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Most people say that you should pick your class based on dream-based jungian prophecies delivered to your unwaking mind while you were still a budding young child. This is blatantly false, and also nonsensical. If you're having dream-based prophecies, please contact your local psychiatrist. I'll give you a moment.

Now that the sane people are here, we can all agree that you should pick a class that appeals to your ocular palate. In short, whichever one looks the most fucking badass. If you did not figure this out by reading the description of the game in the first place, well, you're dangerously close to being shuffled into the my-imaginary-friend-was-stone-construction-detritus group. But never fear. In this section, you'll find everything you wanted and didn't want to know regarding every single possible class choice in dark barnacle.

You're welcome.

Imagination-based:
<Fabricaster>
Many take the fabricaster to be an underpowered class, and boy, are they wrong. What this class lacks in pure damage-dealing power, it makes up for heartily in crowd control and status effects. Is a mean old buccaneer instakilling you straight out of the tutorial?? Just expend some of your ample weave budget and send him galloping away with a well-placed toreador's textile. Are your friends not fast enough to escape a ballroom kraken? A quick casting of seamstress' celerity will have them to safety in no time.

The role of a fabricaster is quite simple: to push enemies away or into tactically advantageous positions for one's team, while moving their own allies to higher ground or in for the killing blow. It's not the easiest class to play, but it's almost a necessary one when dealing with large raids against plaidbeard and similar quests. However, this doesn't mean that fabricasters are unable to play the game solo. Their ability to inflict various effects over time is quite lethal. In particular, the mid-level double locking chain stitch is able greatly slow enemies while dealing asphyxiation damage. One of my favorite moves as a beginner was the vibrating shuttle as well, which dazes enemies and has a chance to grant the next person who hits them an automatic critical hit. A well-built fabricaster is a dangerous weapon indeed.


<Perfumancer>
Said the noob who chose the perfumancer, "what the fucketh doth this gorram game done 'pon my simple hud??" And all was not well, for the first thing you'll notice if you are aforementioned noob is that your entire screen is bathed in neon shit. If you haven't figured it out by now, that's just the wind currents, color-coded by temperature and speed. Confused yet?? No worries. The thermal web isn't necessary for beginner perfumancers, but they do give it unexpected depth later on. You know those "easy to play, hard to master" types of things?? Yeah, this is the Cagedamn pinnacle of that kind of stuff.

The perfumancer excels at area of effect damage, and a single well-placed summer appleberry fragrance can devastate an entire platoon of privateers. The thermal web gives you the information you need to string your attacks around your allies and all about your enemies, although if you're new enough to be reading this guide, you don't need all that yet. The long and short of it is this:

Step 1: Spritz fancy scents.
Step 2: Watch them waft into crowds of enemies.
Step 3: Laugh at the crazy amounts of asphyxiation and fruit-based damage you deal.
Step 4: Collect the shit out of those sweet drops.

I can put together a thermal web guide on request, but it has no place in something that's a general overview, like this. Message me if you'd care to transform your mediocre breeze-based skillset into a delirious slaughterfest of scented clouds.


Sprightliness-based:
<Manicurogue>
Whoop, suddenly a theme switch. Get rid of those silly mental powers, these classes are all about your lithe, spry little form and how fast it can move. And speaking of speed, one of the best things about the manicurogue is just that. Tired of your slow move speed?? Your slow attack speed?? You should be, other classes are like snails with down's compared to this one. And I'm not kidding. The number one most difficult part of playing manicurogue is not vomiting from the motion sickness that will be most definitely caused by your screen hemorrhaging crazy amounts of fast. The second most difficult part is actually figuring out which of those blurs is a friend and which is an enemy. Once you've got that down, you're pretty much in for an easy ride as long as you avoid enemies that can cause slowing effects.

Your job is to distract enemies from other players. Whether you do that by running up dust devils to blind them, manicuring their ass (or monstrous equivalent) off, or pilfering enough of their gold & equipment to have them turn around and rage is up to you. I would advise the polishthirty path for beginners, since your attack speed along with the ability to dual-wield nail files gives you an insane advantage if you can manage to keep moving. Once you've gotten fairly good at that, putting points into the pickpocket path is an easy and efficient way to get loads of cloth and coin without even killing anything. That path is likely the only way to play a pacifist character as well, although if you're a pacifist in anything that's not real life I'm questioning your sanity as well as admiring your discipline.


<Eyelineranger>
The eyelineranger is less about movement speed and more about the agility of your limbs. They are the class with the most reliably long-range attack, and if enough crit-boosting items are equipped, you can effectively snipe at pirate ships while you're safe on shore, and take out half the health of crewmembers with a single hit. With burning arrows, you can even destroy the ship itself without taking any damage (although this makes it hard to recover the loot unless you took the expert swimmer perk). This class more than others depends on the equipment that you have, so you're going to start off weak and get exponentially more dangerous (if you manage to survive). I definitely recommend finding a questing group until you find the recream bow, which has enough power to let you do solo adventures successfully without too much experience needed.

The role of the eyelineranger is to incapacitate dangerous enemies so that they can't decimate your party. Use your basic ranged attacks to deal damage from a safe distance while utilizing your makeup skills to blind your targets, and sometimes even frenzy lower-level monsters. Your secondary role is support, as your expertise also allows you to give minor armor buffs and resistances to you and those around you. Eventually, if you get the animal testing perk, you'll be able to acquire a familiar that you can give commands to and further increase your effectiveness. The bottom line with this class is simply to stay back, rain down destruction from afar, and learn who to shoot at first.


Vim-based:
<Fashionistannihilator>
Did you like being fast?? Well, stop that. Now you're going to be strong as hell, and you're going to enjoy it. The fashionistannihilator is pretty much the standalone tank of dark barnacle, and it does that job damn well. The propensity of this class to absorb damage is pretty much off the charts. Their advanced armor proficiency combined with an already naturally high vim stat makes this a fairly easy class to play. Just walk up to enemies, plop yourself down in front of them, maybe smack a couple for good measure, and just take all the blows you can handle while casually sipping some lemonade.

Again, this is one of the simplest classes. Make sure you get a couple cosmetic resistance items to complement your ability to withstand physical damage. At higher levels, this pays off with some incredibly awesome looking gear, which will further augment your abilities. It's a gradual, grindy climb to the top, but you end up destroying most things that cross your path without any trouble. If you have shit-tons of patience, this is the class for you. As you might expect, fashionistannihilators are good in both solo and party quests, so feel free to do whatever your misshapen, underdeveloped social sense tells you is right. Just watch out for enemies that can disintegrate armor or remove resistances, they are one of your only weaknesses.


<Berserkritic>
Berserkritics start off with the highest vim stat in the game, and it shows. However, using them effectively is somewhat more complicated than the fashionistannihilator. To properly use all your beserkritic moves, you'll need to use the runway inspection move, which has a medium-length cooldown timer depending on what level you are. I'd suggest getting perks, items, and boons that reduce that cooldown time, because your scathing critique move requires that you have information about the enemies' choice of fashion which can only be gained through, you guessed it, runway inspection. When you aren't using scathing critique, you deal about the same level of damage as your level of vim would indicate, so it's a pretty fair amount of damage per second. However, scathing critique brings it to a whole new level.

While you're giving a critique, you have to stay within a certain range of your opponent. However, you'll be dealing out a constant stream of verbal judgment that racks up frankly illegal amounts of damage as well as dealing empathy damage to all other enemies in that range. It will also fill up your condescension meter, which builds up your own defense based on the amount of time you've been giving critique. When your condescension meter is totally full, it's almost guaranteed that you'll stay in critique mode until it ends, which is a guaranteed kill for almost any enemy around your level, and will take out a good portion of a boss' health. My only real advice for berserkritic, aside from getting cooldown-reducing items, is to learn how to effectively dodge while staying within the range of your critique. Or, if you suck, get perks that increase that range.


Pulchritude-based:
<Cosmeticleric>
Both pulchritude-based classes are associated with the divine, which can vary greatly depending on which deity you pledge allegiance to. But that's a whole different questline. And this isn't even a quest. It's a class. Stop being an idiot and get a clue. And a clue is something that you will need if you're going to play the cosmeticleric; it's not for beginners. If you have a group you regularly play with, take the touch-up path. You'll level up so much faster by healing, buffing, and getting assists from your teammates. If you don't, then a good cosmeticleric can hold their own with the wardrobe malfunction path. Those that feel bored by magic-using classes should take a shot at this build, because it's difficult to play, let alone master. You have to dodge enemy attacks while whaling on them with divine spells, some of which only work some of the time depending on how appeased your god is at the present moment.

If you are in a group, then you're the obvious healer, since cosmeticleric is the only class that can reliably heal both themselves and other players effectively. That makes you the parent, the mother bird, and all the other players are your little chicks that fell out of the nest and hit every dumbass branch on the way down. "That's not true, I like playing with my friends," you say in response. No. Wrong. After you play a touch-up cosmeticleric for a couple weeks, you will hate everyone in your party. This is a universal law. Check the terms and conditions, they say it in the first few paragraphs. You didn't notice them, did you?? Well, now you know. I'll give you a couple minutes to read it.

Satisfied??

Okay. Maybe next time you'll sit tight and listen to the words of a master. That master is me, for the record. Anyway, that's the gist of it. Keep your bird friends safe or whatever, and be prepared to have an alt account so you don't have to rage all the time.


<Soapaladin>
Soapaladins are generally dependent on what god you choose. They are pretty versatile, and have prayers that can buff, deal damage, apply status effects, and initiate tactical moves, as well as being moderately physically competent with armor and a weapon. However, no soapaladin is going to get all of these at the same time. You're going to have to give something up in order to become more effective at different strategies. If you don't specialize, you're going to die and keep dying and all your party members will talk about how awful you are behind your back and how you should switch to a different class, maybe you would be better suited to playing as a plant or something, it matches your intellect better (you can't actually play as plants, and if you genuinely want to, I'm deducting iq points from you).

So, bottom line is, pick one aspect of soapaladin and stick with it. Buffs?? No problem, you can increase the damage and armor of you and your buddies to great heights, way to be a team player. Damage?? Strap on your smiting armor and go cleanse the enemies of your deity in the burning sensation of holy lye. Status effects are easy, blind them by getting sacred shampoo in their eyes, and control the battlefield by allowing you or your allies to slide around on a bed of suds. You can even get upgrades to your weapon and armor and reinforce them with divine cleanliness, but that's not recommended. You might as well just be a fashionistannihilator if you're going to do that, and there's enough of that already. Just stick with prayers, okay??


Luck-based:
<Jezebeleader>
The luck-based classes are really fucking different. You should only be playing them if you've put a metric fuckton of time into dark barnacle and feel like you know it very well, as well as knowing that you want a challenge. The way to play these classes is technically easy. Just keep upgrading your luck with perks and equipment, and you will usually be fine.

Usually.

See, the jezebeleader class' skills are based on the in-game economy. Depending on which sectors of production are most popular at the time, you'll have different skills. And the effectiveness of those skills differs from day to day, based on a random number generator that is seeded by the changes in the total increase or decrease of the economy, combined with an equation that is way too long for me to care about. What it comes down to is this: if you want your playing experience to make sense, don't pick this class.

If you want a leveling curve that is more like a curve than a fourth dimensional object, don't pick this class. If you value sanity over the chaos and unpredictability of pure bullshit, don't pick this class. In essence, don't pick this class unless you're bored to tears with the rest of dark barnacle, but I seriously doubt such a thing is possible. Just don't pick this class, pretend it doesn't exist, and if you ever see another player as this class that is alive and above level ten, worship them as your god. The amount of bullshit you have to go through to get to level two is enough to make grown men throw themselves off of cliffs. Check wikipedia, that's happened multiple times. No lawsuits were ever won, if you're thinking about taking that route, so just give up now and pick a different fucking class.


<Balmagistrate>
Now take what I said about jezebeleader and multiply it a thousandfold. Instead of being determined by the in-game economy, both the balmagistrate's skills and power are determined by randomly chosen aspects of the world. The actual world. Like, when you pick the class, a variable is chosen for you out of all values that are possible or impossible to monitor and assigned to you. Guess how it's chosen? Right, you guessed it, a random equation that's probably seeded by something constantly in flux and also made of bullshit.

There also might be a switch in which variable is assigned to you at any given time. You might have your health regeneration determined by the genetic variation between two genuses in the pleistocene era, while your magic resistance is based on the influence of the roman catholic church on eastern european sixteenth century art, and then boom, something entirely different involving Cagedamn singapore. I don't even think the development team of dark barnacle knew what they were doing with this class. I'm pretty sure there's only a single player who managed to level up once as a balmagistrate, and they may or may not have hacked the game to do so. If they didn't, then they're insane and I love them. If they did, they're the best computer scientist to ever exist in this universe and I love them.

Anyway, retarded rambling aside: don't fucking touch this class. You can play around with jezebeleader and have a good laugh before switching up, whatever. But just don't even fucking get near balmagistrate. You know what?? Forget you read this part. There are only 9 classes. Use those.

Now scroll down and move on.



SKILLS
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Here's the section where I go over the skills of each class and tell you which ones to pick and why. Except with all the customization options in dark barnacle, that would take at least fifty pages in font so small that you need an electron microscope to read it effectively. So, I'm going to skip the fuck out of that. Instead, you're getting three skills per class. One that's the best for beginners, one that's the best for mid-levels (about fifty to ninety) and one that's for endgame stuff. Hopefully you'll figure things out by the time you're past level ninety, but I wouldn't bet on it. Because I don't gamble. Also because there's a perfectly good chance you'll just faff about for eighty nine levels and learn nothing except that you have carpal tunnel. So don't say I never tried, because I wrote this guide and I gave you a massive period of time to fix up your act. I warned you, dunce. I warned you about carpal tunnel. You should (have) probably listen(ed).


Fabricaster
<Beginner>
Translated Name: Magic Carpet Ride
Attack Type: Transport
Casting Time: .5 seconds
Weave Cost: 7 folds
Base Cooldown: 12 seconds
Base Damage: 120 to 150 force and dust damage, plus 30 per ally
Status Effects: Smaller creatures knocked airborne.
Affected By: Imagination stat, Carpeteering Perk, Sassy Tassels Perk, Automaton Training, Sky Legs Perk
Notes: This skill creates a carpet beneath you and immediately adjacent allies, and you fly forward, damaging all enemies in a line in front of you. You move a number of meters equal to your Imagination.

<Mid-Life Crisis>
Translated Name: Fanciful Wrathcraft
Attack Type: Ward
Casting Time: 1.8 seconds
Weave Cost: [variable] folds
Base Cooldown: 30 seconds
Duration: .5 second per fold
Base Damage: 400 force damage per second
Status Effects: Non-flying enemies are pushed backwards.
Affected By: Imagination stat, Ward Training, Cloth Charmer Perk,
Notes: Creates a small bubble of whirling cloth that pushes enemies away and damages them if they touch it. If you run out of folds, it drains the health of you and your allies within the bubble. Don't do that, have some common sense.

<Senior Citizen>
Translated Name: Thousand Pins on the Head of an Angel
Attack Type: Summon
Casting Time: 5 seconds
Weave Cost: 800 folds
Base Cooldown: 1800 seconds
Base Damage: 3000 mineral damage per pin, 15000 divine damage every time the angel hits an enemy
Status Effects: None.
Affected By: Imagination stat, choice of god, Sacred Rites Training, Divine Communion Perk, Earthbound Perk, Shattered Chalice Perk
Notes: Summons a massive angel of your chosen religion to smite your enemies, along with a spinning whirlwind of very fatal pins. They can damage your teammates, so make sure that they're all far away when you use this attack, unless you want to lose friends.


Perfumancer
<Beginner>
Translated Name: Bullseye Waft
Attack Type: Area
Casting Time: 1 second
Solution Cost: 4 drops
Base Cooldown: 10 seconds
Base Damage: 45 to 75 glucose and asphyxiation damage
Status Effects: Short-term blindness on all enemies affected.
Affected By: Imagination stat, Candy Carnage Perk, Lactose Invasion Perk
Notes: Creates a circular bloom of caramel scent centered around the caster.

<Mid-Life Crisis>
Translated Name: Woodsmoke Smother
Attack Type: Area
Casting Time: 1 seconds
Solution Cost: 26 drops
Base Cooldown: 20 seconds
Base Damage: 1200 asphyxiation damage
Status Effects: None.
Affected By: Imagination stat, Firestarter Perk, Pyromaniac Perk, Woah Dude Perk, Freaking Camper Perk, Expert Smoker Training
Notes: Throws a small charcoal briquette, and smoke emits from where it lands. Every enemy that walks into the smoke is affected, and creates more smoke around them, effectively chaining the attack (the maximum observed chain is 5 enemies). An enemy cannot be damaged more than once by this attack, but if they stay in smoke for longer than 20 seconds, they will automatically die.

<Senior Citizen>
Translated Name: Atomsplitter's Aftereffect
Attack Type: Area
Casting Time: 3 seconds
Solution Cost: 360 drops
Base Cooldown: 180 seconds
Base Damage: 45000 radiation and asphyxiation damage.
Status Effects: All enemies in the cloud are weakened, and take half as long to respawn (although respawned monsters will have significantly reduced stats). This doesn't stack.
Affected By: Imagination stat, Physicist Perk, Chernobyl's Herald Perk, Element Training
Notes: You start glowing a bright green and give off a cylinder-shaped cloud of smoke that affects everyone except you that it touches. DO NOT USE THIS IN A NON-DUNGEON AREA. YOU WILL MOST LIKELY GET BANNED FROM THE TOWN OR CITY FOR LIFE.

Manicurogue
<Beginner>
Translated Name: Deluxe Treatment
Attack Type: Single-target
Polish Cost: 14 applications
Base Cooldown: 6 seconds
Base Damage: 250 luxuriant and weapon damage
Status Effects: Target can't attack since they have to wait until their nails dry.
Affected By: Sprightliness stat, Masseuse Perk, Ambience Training, Spa Superiority Perk
Notes: Gives the target an instantaneous makeover, dealing damage while improving their aesthetic quality. New appearance lasts until the body is looted.

<Mid-Life Crisis>
Translated Name: Magic Fingers
Attack Type: Single-target Steal
Polish Cost: 41 applications
Base Cooldown: 14 seconds
Base Damage: None.
Status Effects: None.
Affected By: Sprightliness stat, Expert Fingersmith Training, London Orphan Perk, Shadowalker Perk, Japanese Ancestry Perk
Notes: Steals an amount of gold that is determined by your Sprightliness and other factors, as well as 1 to 4 loot items that the monster would normally drop. Some special quest monsters will give unique rewards.

<Senior Citizen>
Translated Name: Backstabssage
Attack Type: Single-target
Polish Cost: 650 applications
Base Cooldown: 120 seconds
Base Damage: 65000 luxuriant, mineral, and weapon damage
Status Effects: None. They're probably already dead.
Affected By: Sprightliness stat, Masseuse Perk, Earthbound Perk, Surprise! Perk, The Spinal Countdown Perk, Dat Ass Perk
Notes: You must be behind the target to use this. Does not work on enemies that don't have a back.

Eyelineranger
<Beginner>
Translated Name: Eye of the Sniper
Attack Type: Single-target
Base Cooldown: 15 seconds
Base Damage: 150 smudge and weapon damage
Status Effects: Target is slowed by the caked-on makeup.
Affected By: Sprightliness stat, Eagleyeliner Perk, Long-Range Application Perk, Markshowmanship Training
Notes: A slight damage bonus and a huge critical chance bonus over normal attacks.

<Mid-Life Crisis>
Translated Name: Striking Barrage
Attack Type: Area
Base Cooldown: 45 seconds
Base Damage: 400 smudge and weapon damage per second
Status Effects: All enemies are highlighted. The color of the highlight depends on what shade of eyeliner you chose during character creation.
Affected By: Sprightliness stat, Rainman Perk, Artilleration Perk, Trigonometry Training, Animal Testing Perk
Notes: Choose an area within your furthest range and call down a rain of facial makeup.

<Senior Citizen>
Translated Name: Eyeshadow of the Colossus
Attack Type: Summon
Base Cooldown: 1800 seconds
Base Damage: 1500 smudge damage per second, 20000 smudge and mineral damage per hit of the colossus
Status Effects: All enemies are blinded from the haze of cosmetics in the air.
Affected By: Sprightliness stat, Global Harming Perk, Earthbound Perk, Golem Training, Worldwaker Perk
Notes: Summons a massive beast of eyeliner that has an aura of sludge around it. Land enemies are damaged by it, air units are blinded and will usually fall. The colossus will only attack enemies, but the aura will damage teammates. Watch where you cast this thing.

Fashionistannihilator
<Beginner>
Translated Name: A League Above
Attack Type: Buff
Endorsement Cost: 3 signatures
Base Cooldown: 14 seconds
Base Damage: None.
Status Effects: Raises all resistances by 25% and armor by 100 for 10 seconds.
Affected By: Vim stat, Vanity Training, Spotlight Perk, Runway Perk, Fame level
Notes: Grants significantly reduced damage to you.

<Mid-Life Crisis>
Translated Name: Bladed Pivot
Attack Type: Area
Endorsement Cost: 15 signatures
Base Cooldown: 35 seconds
Base Damage: 2000 weapon damage to all adjacent enemies.
Status Effects: None.
Affected By: Vim stat, Runway Perk, Vanity Training, Paparazzi Endurance Perk, Perfect Lighting Perk
Notes: Turn on your heel and slash at all enemies around you in one motion. Good for getting out of tight spots and dealing fucktons of damage.

<Senior Citizen>
Translated Name: Glorious Visage
Attack Type: Buff
Endorsement Cost: 275 signatures
Base Cooldown: 210 seconds
Base Damage: None.
Status Effects: All enemies will be drawn to attack you for 30 seconds, and in that time, you are immune to damage, although you are weakened while you're immune.
Affected By: Vim Stat.
Notes: This is seriously OP. Don't even try this in PvP, or everyone will hate you. Not that they don't already, I'm just saying, avoid making it a certainty.

Berserkritic
<Beginner>
Translated Name: Scathing Critique
Attack Type: Single-target
Base Cooldown: 30 seconds
Base Damage: 100 damage per second. This goes on for 15 seconds if uninterrupted.
Status Effects: Residual damage dealt to all enemies nearby.
Affected By: Vim stat, Condescension level
Notes: The damage scales with your level, but isn't affected by perks other than general cooldown modifiers. Which is good, otherwise it'd be completely overpowered instead of just mostly overpowered.

<Mid-Life Crisis>
Translated Name: Omnipresent Judgement
Attack Type: Transport
Base Cooldown: 10 seconds
Base Damage: None.
Status Effects: Dazes enemies that you run into.
Affected By: Vim stat, Conversationalist Perk, Battle Critic Training, Iron Lungs Perk, Deep Throat Perk
Notes: Sends you sprinting a short distance in whatever direction you're facing. It also dazes enemies you run into, making this an indispensable skill for charging into battle, retreating from battle, moving around in battle, interpretive dance in battle, as well as quickly retrieving any groceries you may need for crafting recipes.

<Senior Citizen>
Translated Name: Piercing Rhetoric
Attack Type: Single-target
Base Cooldown: 60 seconds
Base Damage: None.
Status Effects: Transforms every resistance of the target into an equal weakness. Armor is also reduced by 50%. Residual effects dealt to all enemies nearby.
Affected By: Vim stat, Conversationalist Perk, Battle Critic Training, Darwin's Dialogue Perk, Spittle Savior Perk, Orator's Wet Dream Perk
Notes: If you have captions on, the english translation of this rant is hilarious. It also changes depending on what enemy you target, so if you want a good laugh while destroying the defences of your enemies, I would highly reccommend that.

Cosmeticleric
<Beginner>
Translated Name: Grace of the Gods
Attack Type: Area Healing
Aether Cost: 18 drops
Casting Time: .5 seconds
Base Damage: None.
Status Effects: Heals you & allies by an amount that scales with your pulchritude as long as they are within 25 meters.
Affected By: Pulchritude stat, Divine Communion Perk, God Complex Perk, Prayer Penetration Perk, choice of deity
Notes: This will be your most used spell. I'm so, so sorry.

<Mid-Life Crisis>
Translated Name: Facemask of Faith
Attack Type: Area Buff
Aether Cost: 60 drops
Casting Time: 1 second
Base Damage: None.
Status Effects: Grants a buff to you & allies within 25 meters that scales with pulchritude that grants extra damage and armor as a percentage of damage your allies deal.
Affected By: Pulchritude stat, Divine Communion Perk, Religious Retreat Perk, Proctor of Protection Training, Ethereal Fashion Perk, choice of deity
Notes: Use this before every battle you get into. Your aether drop recovery rate should make up for any expenditure, and the ability to push it grants your party is indispensible.

<Senior Citizen>
Translated Name: Smite
Attack Type: Area
Aether Cost: 1200 drops
Casting Time: 3 seconds
Base Damage: 30000 divine damage to all enemies within 25 meters.
Status Effects: Stuns all enemies that are hit. Enemies stunned this way will take double damage from all divine attacks for 10 seconds.
Affected By: Pulchritude stat, Sacred Rites Training, Divine Communion Perk, Shattered Chalice Perk, Dealing in Absolutes Perk, choice of deity
Notes: If you can manage to get enough aether repository-boosting items, you can use this attack twice in a row, which will allow you to deal 90000 damage to any enemy close to you. Be warned: if you're going to try this, there's not much room for versatility in your character. You'll be a one-trick pony. Except the kind of pony that murders anything around it at will with the might of the gods. So I mean, that's a pretty unique pony.

Soapaladin
<Beginner>
Translated Name: Suds of the Forefathers
Attack Type: Area Buff
Glory Cost: 10 tales
Base Cooldown: 10 seconds
Base Damage: None.
Status Effects: Grants you and all allies double move speed while reducing your enemies' speed by 20%.
Affected By: Pulchritude stat, Ancestral Calling Perk, Lord's Lather Perk
Notes: Watch out if you have manicurogues in your party, because this will probably cause them to overaccelerate and take deadly amounts of friction damage. Make sure that they stay safely outside of the diameter of the spell.

<Mid-Life Crisis>
Translated Name: Crusader's Cry
Attack Type: Area Debuff
Glory Cost: 30 tales
Base Cooldown: 30 seconds
Base Damage: 100 divine and verbal damage to all enemies within hearing range.
Status Effects: Enemies affected take divine damage proportional to their base damage every time they attack, as well as having reduced armor.
Affected By: Pulchritude stat, Conversationalist Perk, Ancestral Calling Perk, Iron Lungs Perk, Demimessenger Perk, choice of deity
Notes: If you follow an elder, lost, or titan god, make sure you turn off the audio for this move. There have been reports of people using it and then hearing repeated whispers, or in worse cases, something approximating ptsd. This is serious shit, do this as soon as you acquire this move. I'm looking out for your safety here, I expect a hefty pile of thank you letters by next month.

<Senior Citizen>
Translated Name: Sacred Avatar
Attack Type: Polymorph
Glory Cost: 400 tales
Base Cooldown: 400 seconds
Base Damage: 40000 divine damage to all creatures adjacent to you while you transform.
Status Effects: While in avatar form, your attack, armor, glory regeneration rate, and health regeneration rate are increased by 300% for 25 seconds.
Affected By: Pulchritude stat, Cleanliness is Godliness Perk, Shattered Chalice Perk, Judgement Training, Self-Contained Doomsday Device Perk, choice of deity
Notes: This should have been nerfed in the last patch, but apparently they missed it. So you can pretty much become an invincible juggernaut of holy rape for peanuts. Before you thank the developers, remember that this move is still allowed in pvp. Yeah, good luck.

Jezebeleader
<Beginner>
No.

<Mid-Life Crisis>
Stop it.

<Senior Citizen>
Get out.

There are only 9 classes you dipshit. Stop being retarded.


LEVELING
---------------------
There are two types of leveling in this game: normal levels, and the exfoliatiers. Leveling works the way it normally would: complete quests, kill shit, attempt and fail terribly at crafting, and hopefully get enough experience to drag your sorry self up to a more powerful set of skills.

And there's exfoliatiers, which are simple to explain but are unfamiliar to most people. Every time you go up one of these, you not only have to complete the level requirement, you also have to finish the outfit requirement. And if you can't get the outfit, then the game won't let you level up. Sucks to suck, don't it??

Every ten levels, you're going to need to craft, trade for, or loot a new outfit that matches the style of the next exfoliatier. Once you do that, you'll be allowed to allocate your skills points and choose moves and all the normal shit. You also get a general boost in power from going up an exfoliatier. It's a generally good system, although you're usually pushed to trade or loot the outfit components because crafting is a bitch and will be explained later, if at all. Anyway, you've probably noticed how the look of enemies changes as you go into higher-level areas and shit, and players that are on different exfoliatiers from you look the part. You're supposed to check out those enemies that are a higher level than you, and then assemble an outfit that fits the style. It can be pretty annoying, but if you just get a berserkritic to inspect a couple enemies, you'll both have the information you need. Once you know what style you need.... go make it. It's simple. And once you've got the outfit as well as the required levels, wear it and get an upgrade. One note is that you don't need to wear or even keep the outfit you make after you go up an exfoliatier - it's just needed for the actual leveling up itself. Afterwards you can scrap it or sell it or wear it or give it to your estranged grandmother as a wedding gift as she marries your cousin. I don't know what the deal is with your family, nor am I going to get into it. That's some weird incest shit, okay?? Not my kind of thing. Not even Cagedamn close to it.

Anyway, have a diagram. Don't ask me why it's so fucked up, nor should you ask me about the top exfoliatier. In fact, just stop with all these questions. Don't you have a southern wedding to attend??

|exfoliatier|..start...|....end...|
|......1......|....1.....|....11....|
|......2......|....12....|....22....|
|......3......|....23....|....34....|
|......4......|....35....|....46....|
|......5......|....47....|....58....|
|......6......|....59....|....70....|
|......7......|....71....|....82....|
|......8......|....83....|....94....|
|......9......|....95....|...106...|
|.....10......|...107...|...118...|
|.....11......|...119...|...130...|
|.....12......|...131...|...142...|
|.....13......|...143...|...154...|
|.....14......|...154...|...155...|
|.....15......|...155...|max exp|


LOCATIONS
---------------------
Like most of the people I play with, you might be lost at the current moment. The most likely cause is probably your own dazzling ineptitude, but I'll pretend that it's just circumstance, and you still deserve the effort I'm putting into this guide. Since that delusion is what we're accepting as "the case," let's continue onto the locations and areas of dark barnacle.

The areas are divided by exfoliatier and will be helpfully expressed by this rough map. There's no scale and some of the legend might be incorrect, but art is not my strong suit. Knowing shit is. So you'll have to excuse me if my brain lacks the plasticity to reassign all those neurons from being great to being able to color in the lines. I hope this map helps you navigate to wherever your current deranged questgiver points you toward, and if it doesn't, then deal with it.



There aren't any settlements on this map, and to be honest, there are too many in the game to display them without requiring more pixels than present in any screen known to mankind. Work harder, science. In the meantime, I'll just describe a couple common places that you're going to need to know and basic landmarks. Send me a message if you'd like me to describe something you may have heard about in a quest or whatnot.

산도 장소 - Where your character will start out. There's a bunch of newbie shops (in Korean), low-level questgivers (in Korean), and a really helpful tutorial (in Korean). I'm just assuming that the tutorial is helpful, because that's one of the few things that can't be read in english with closed captions. On the bright side, if you hate games where everything is spoon-fed to you, you'll be wanting to change your pants soon after you start playing.

엉덩이와 똥 - Where your character appears when you die. For some reason you don't appear back in the most recent civilized area you left, but that should just teach you to not die like an idiot. Always make sure you're wearing your soulcall brooch when you die, then you can avoid having to get transported back here and trek all the way back like a tool. If you don't have a soulcall brooch, it's one of the first quest rewards you get. Stop reading and go get it. Good work, now you're acting like a future pro. Or, at the very least, a future competent player.

이 단어는 뭐야 - This is the library of dark barnacle - it contains information on every enemy, city, item, action, etc that you could ever possibly want contained in tomes that are stored here. So guess what doesn't allow you to use english closed captions?? You only have one guess, and it doesn't count, because I'm telling you. It's those fucking tomes. This was probably meant to be some sort of in-game wikipedia for the realm, and it probably works really well if you can read korean. For the rest of us, there's this guide.

모자에 대해 뭔가 - The main trading post. There are others for specific types of items and higher levels, but this city will allow you to sell and buy almost anything you could want to imagine, as long as you have the gold or an equivalent item. The amount of lag here is pretty ridiculous, so make sure you don't mind moving slow and jerkily toward other players, glitching serenely through the well-crafted boutique hanging from their limbs. No, but seriously, the regular traders here are fucking loaded and I don't know how. Ask an economics major, since I'm pretty sure the development team on dark barnacle is using real economics for this shit.

강남 스타일 - This is the name of the river than you'll cross over in order to achieve your first exfoliatier. You have to cross it to get information on the clothing styles of pirates on the other side, and that will allow you to go up a tier. Of course, you already know the specifics, unless you've forgotten by now, but for the sake of all of us I'm going to assume you still remember, and move on. It's just like crossing the rhine, which is the reference I'm assuming that the game is trying to make. Once you've passed the first exfoliatier, there's no going back.

생존하는 법을 배우게 - Where most of the trainers are. Go here, get skills, and if you can figure out the labyrinthine layout of this place, there's also some quests that will grant you helpful utility skills here. Be warned: these quests are really fucking long. They aren't too difficult, just expect to be working on them for a good day or two. And I mean a day or two of straight playing. The rewards are mostly worth it, though. That, and the fact that they're incredibly fun.

당신의 진정한 종교 - Where you can learn about and acquire a religion and patron god. This city is always crowded because the number of npcs is frankly illegal. If loitering was a crime, the number of people deported from this city alone would outnumber... could overwhelm... uh... there's a fucking ton of them. Remember that this game allows you to choose from every single deity throughout human history, which... actually, I'm not entirely sure how many that is. Suffice to say, it's between twenty eight thousand and twenty eight million. And there's an npc for each one that will tell you everything you need to know about their personal deity and why you should choose it. It's like walking into a jehova's witness convention at the moment that they open up the floor for discussion. Despite how confusing the entire process is, finding a deity will grant you bonuses that range from okay to insanely good depending on your character and which god you choose, so it's never a bad idea to go in, accept an initiation quest, and then get the fuck out before someone hands you another pamphlet.

우리와 함께 물물 교환 - Where there's a massive warehouse of items. It's run by npcs, so the prices aren't going to change unless you get bartering perks, but those perks are useless, so don't do that. Leave the prices alone. Most common items can be bought here in bulk, although no crafted items can be. That's what other players are for. It's pretty useless, since you can just kill things to get items instead, and items above your level are ridiculously expensive anyway, just as the enemies that drop them would be ridiculously hard. Unless you follow this guide, then you have a chance, which makes the warehouse even more redundant. Only go here if you have no idea what you're doing, which should be never. So just don't bother with this place.

QUESTS & ENEMIES
---------------------
Remember how there's way too many gods to choose from in this game? Also, too many choices of companion? And pretty much way too much everything for any sane person to put into a single guide without going into a coma? Yes, well, that includes quests and enemies as well. So guess what?? You get both, packed into one, tinier, more efficient package. You should be thanking me. I'm going to imagine that that is exactly what you're doing. So respectful. Good on you for having manners so lacking these days.

Anyway, I'll describe the first couple quests that you should definitely not miss out on, as well as what to expect from enemies that are part of those quests. After that, if you just follow my advice regarding classes and skill choice, you'll do fine.

Soul Shepherd
The soulcall amulet is the first thing you should get. Do it right after you come out of the tutorial. Or during, if you can figure out a way. The tutorial teaches you how to move and attack and use skills, but the soulcall amulet makes dying not a problem. So it's really a value decision on your part here, except you're going to get both either way. It's like sophie's choice if instead of saving one kid, she just had to pick which one would die first instead. Anyway, here's your fact info.

QUESTGIVER: Janice Stella
REWARD: 500 exp, Soulcall Amulet, 1-4 Shitty Fabric
GOALS: To recover the spirits of fallen adventurers from the Tallfurrow Wood.
PLACE: Tallfurrow Wood (duh).
COMPLETION: Initiate dialogue with 10 of the ghostly figures standing around. You don't need to complete the dialogue to finish the quest.
ENEMIES: Both wharfrats and bilgescum patrol the forest. You'll need to clear a few out in order to get to the ghosts safely.

<Wharf Rat>
Size: Small
Speed: Fast
Health: 750
Attacks:
- Quick Bite (melee): 5 disgust damage, can transfer disease
- Tail Whip (melee): 15 disgust damage
Possible Drops: Rat Tail, Wharf Rope
Weaknesses/Resistances: None.

<Bilgescum>
Size: Medium
Speed: Medium
Health: 900
Attacks:
- Scum Fling (ranged): 20m, 10 acid damage
- Disintegrate (melee): 20 acid damage
- Escape (melee): 5 acid damage to all adjacent players, reforms 5m away
Possible Drops: Scumdrops, Half-Dissolved Boot
Weaknesses/Resistances: Resist 10 acid, Weak 5 fruit

Trailblazer
You know how the world of dark barnacle is beautifully detailed, well-thought out, and full of surprises around every corner?? Of course you do. That's why you're reading this guide, so that you can manage to explore that world without getting your ass slaughtered, cleaned, cooked, smoked, prepared, and then served to you as part of an eight-course dinner. One of the more important parts of this is getting the map, which doesn't do that much as an item, but it gives your mini-map radar a massive upgrade, which is necessary for knowing what the hell's going on around you. And necessary things are ones you need. The point of that sentence and this paragraph is that you need to do this quest. So do it.

QUESTGIVER: Curious Cartographer
REWARDS: 1100 exp, Map, Pith Helmet Brim
GOALS: To reveal 100% of the Undiscerned Crevasse with your mini-map.
PLACE: Undiscerned Crevasse
COMPLETION: Explore the entire crevasse. Watch out for enemies that may be hiding in the shadows.
ENEMIES: Despite being a joke monster, the balfrog can be threatening, especially when working with fissurefiends.

<Balfrog>
Size: Small
Speed: Medium, but they can leap
Health: 1200
Attacks:
- Shadow (melee): 25 psychological damage, and the balfrog can turn invisible if not near a light source
- Flame (ranged): 10m, 20 heat damage
- Morph (ability): can merge with another balfrog to become a single balfrog at full health
Possible Drops: Black Lace, Ruby Pendant
Weaknesses/Resistances: Resist 10 heat, Weak 10 frost

<Fissurefiend>
Size: Large
Speed: Slow
Health: 1600
Attacks:
- Slam (melee): 30 heat damage
- Doubleslam (melee): 40 heat damage
- Tripleslam (melee): 50 heat damage, but the fissurefiend is stunned for one second afterwards
Possible Drops: Caliginous Horn, 1-2 Abyssal Scrap
Weaknesses/Resistances: Resist 10 heat, Weak 15 divine


Play the Rain
Hey, fabricasters, get your ass over here. This quest will give you an item that will help you through the first couple exfoliatiers with drastically reduced pain. Essentially, it's a flute that you put in your focus slot and grants each move you have a secondary effect, which is really Cagedamn useful. So do this quest as soon as you can beat level 3 enemies.

QUESTGIVER: Al'Hatun the Charmer
REWARD: 2000 exp, Clothcommune Flute, Ochre Fabric
GOALS: Protect a lost child from the rain, and bring him back to the city.
PLACE: The Granite Oasis
COMPLETION: Expend some weave folds to conjure an umbrella for the kid, then lead him back to town while defending him from dangers.
ENEMIES: Mostly stoneswabbers and cacklecorsairs, although sometimes swarms of bilgescum appear if you walk too close to the cliff face.

<Stoneswabber>
Size: Medium
Speed: Medium
Health: 2250
Attacks:
- Bombard (ranged): 20m, 35 mineral damage and can damage adjacent allies.
- Swabspear (melee): 60 fruit damage
- Lunge (melee): jumps forward 10m and deals 30 fruit damage. If the stoneswabber runs into you, you're both dazed.
Possible Drops: Shiny Pebble, Lemonscent Fluid, 2-3 Granite Garb Shards
Weaknesses/Resistances: Resist 20 mineral, Weak 10 Divine

<Cacklecorsair>
Size: Medium
Speed: Medium
Health: 1800
Attacks:
- Derange (ranged): 5m, takes 1 second to cast and can daze players.
- Cutlass (melee): 30 mineral damage
- Heckle (ranged): 30m, 50 verbal damage
Possible Drops: Grimy Cutlass, Happy Muse Mask, Sad Muse Mask
Weaknesses/Resistances: Resist 5 verbal, Weak 5 mineral

Fan's Fandom
We know perfumancers deal with wind currents based on their thermal web, right?? So what if there was a tool to influence the wind?? Well, there is, and it's a fan. It even looks like those cool Oriental ones you can get in shops or whatever. But of course, it's guarded by some sort of weird flight-based cult and you have to steal it. This isn't really an official quest, but it acts the exact same as one. If you're having trouble finding it, make sure your mini-map is upgraded and then just mouse over npcs until you find the questgiver. Simple. Efficient. Effective.

QUESTGIVER: Kristofer the Skeptic
REWARDS: 3600 exp, Totally Ordinary Fan, Zealot's Hood
PLACE: Winged Temple
GOALS: Escape with the cultists' fan so that they will stop being nutjobs about it.
COMPLETION: Exit the temple with the fan in your inventory. Killing cultists isn't necessary, but does give you some nice experience.
ENEMIES: There are two tiers of cultists, although there's a ton of both types as you get closer to the inner sanctum. Watch out so you don't get surrounded, and use area of effect abilities to their full potential (by not sucking).

<Layman>
Size: Medium
Speed: Fast
Health: 2000
Attacks:
- Armor of Faith (ability): Takes 50% less damage for 5 seconds. Just keep blasting away.
- Wrath of the Fan (melee): 65 divine damage
Possible Drops: Crafted Paper, Pilgrim's Sandal
Weaknesses/Resistances: None.

<Priest(ess)>
Size: Medium
Speed: Medium
Health: 2600
Attacks:
- Fan's Essence (ability): Can fly for 10 seconds. This is how they can surround you easily, so make sure you look up.
- Blade Speed High (melee): 80 divine and mineral damage.
Possible Drops: Sanctum Keycard, Temple Robe Sleeve, Unrefined Steel
Weaknesses/Resistances: Resist 5 divine

Eagle Eyes
This is yet another class-specific quest. Well, it's not really class-specific, since any class can do it, but the items are only useful for a single class or scrap for crafting. Anyway, if you're having trouble not puking everywhere when playing manicurogue, dark barnacle has saved your ass. The reward for this quest is a set of goggles that drastically reduces motion blur. Think you can just get away by turning off motion blur in the graphical options?? Think again. Dark barnacle has that option for every class except manicurogue. You could be playing on a calculator, but there'd still be shitty pixelated motion blur. Actually, you probably wouldn't be able to see anything if you were playing manicurogue on a calculator. There would never be a time that your screen wouldn't look like a chessboard with epilepsy.

QUESTGIVER: Gryphon Tinkerer
REWARDS: 1400 exp, Landskier Goggles, 2 Beige Feathers
PLACE: The Crow's Nest
GOALS: Make your way to the Crow's Nest and steal an egg.
COMPLETION: Deliver a Crow Egg to the Gryphon Tinkerer.
ENEMIES: You're going to have to either fight or avoid eagles dressed as pirates (for some reason) to get to the egg. There's only one variety, but they swarm your shit from all sides when you're climbing to the nest.

<Eagle Buccaneer>
Size: Medium
Speed: Fast
Health: 1000
Attacks:
- Peck (melee): 25 avian damage
- Wing Buffet (melee): 15 avian damage, and the player is staggered unless they can succeed at a quicktime event. Multiple wing buffets mean there's no way to avoid being staggered.
Possible Drops: Airborne Tricorne, Talon Shards
Weaknesses/Resistances: None

I Have A Cream
Yes, I know. The quest names. Just... they're korean. They don't know any better. Anyway, remember that recream bow that eyelinerangers should really, really be wanting right now and at all times?? Good, because I do. And I also remember how to get it. Protip: This is how you get it.

QUESTGIVER: Salanaar the Master Ranger
REWARDS: 2450 exp, Recream Bow
PLACE: The Gloaming Dell
GOALS: To prove yourself to the Master Ranger and clear out his cabin.
COMPLETION: Kill all hostile creatures inside the Ranger's Grounds using only ranged weapons and abilities.
ENEMIES: You'd think that squirrels and chipmunks would be easy targets, except they're some weird type of crossbreed with a fucking bear or some shit. I don't know. Just go along with it and try not to think of a grizzly humping a rabbit or whatever. Unless you're a furry, in which case, feel free to think about it, but not while you're reading this guide. No mixing business with pleasure.

<Roarbbit>
Size: Small
Speed: Medium
Health: 2400
Attacks:
- Nibble (melee): 75 disease damage
- Roar (ranged): 10m, 50 verbal damage
Possible Drops: Roarbbit Fur, Lucky Roarbbit Leg
Weaknesses/Resistances: None.

<Chaosmunk>
Size: Small
Speed: Fast
Health: 2100
Attacks:
- Nibble (melee): 60 disease damage
- Space Invader (melee): 30 disease damage, and the player is unable to use moves that have a cooldown. More chaosmunks using this move can cause the player to be rendered unable to attack at all, dazed, immobile, and then stunned. This is dangerous as fuck, especially when these things rush you from the trees.
Possible Drops: Chaosmunk Tail, Chaosmunk Tooth
Weaknesses/Resistances: None.

Right Hand Man
Fashionistannihilators tank damage. Shields tank damage. Do you know what this means??

If you said "anyone playing fashionistannihilator (potentially including me) should grab a shield real fast, yo," then congratulations, you get a gold star. It is not actually gold but the color is gold and on the front it says "not functionally retarded." Honestly, compared with most people, that's something to put on your resumé.

If you said "that means that fashionistannihilators are shields, and I am going to wear another character on my arm to protect myself!" then you are wrong and stupid and I'm amazed that you have the literacy needed to progress this far. You also get a gold star that is composed of false advertising, except this one says "I'm functionally retarded!" Wear it around, spread the word. Lies of omission are still lies.

QUESTGIVER: Solomon of Arjin
REWARD: 4500 exp, Eternal Aegis, 4-8 Reels of Plum Thread
PLACE: Dunbar Swamps
GOALS: Assist Solomon in finding the entrance to a lost civilization.
COMPLETION: Find the Portal to Arjin by following and defending Solomon through the swamps.
ENEMIES: Ghost pirates and lost liches are pretty much lining the path to the portal. Bring some serious cosmetic resistance items.

<Ghost Pirate>
Size: Medium
Speed: Medium
Health: 3500
Attacks:
- Ectocutlass (melee): 125 acid and frost damage
- Ephemeral Pistol (ranged): 30m, 100 frost damage
Possible Drops: Ectoplasm, Aether Potion, Incorporeal Rags
Weaknesses/Resistances: Resist 25 frost, Weak 10 divine

<Lost Lich>
Size: Medium
Speed: Slow
Health: 4125
Attacks:
- Rift Reave (ranged): 20m, 150 abyssal and frost damage
- Voices From Beyond (ranged): 30m, lowers resistances by 25% for 5 seconds.
- Spectral Blast (melee): 50 abyssal damage, and pushes the target back 15m.
Possible Drops: Void Staff, Nether Garb, Vial of Antimatter
Weaknesses/Resistances: Immune abyssal, Resist 10 frost, Weak 25 divine

The Little Robot That Could
Listen up, classes that have cooldowns (especially you, berserkritics). This is serious business. Right here we have an item that is easy as balls to get, can be found in the early part of the game, and is effective for every skill with a cooldown. Which is to say, most of them. The only reason that most players don't complete this as part of their maturation from newbie to gamer is because they can't actually find the questgiver. Which isn't their fault - not many people are going to click on a random scrap pile that isn't even marked as an npc. But if you do, then this quest starts. And then you get lucky (wink. Except you're not getting laid, because if you leave this game long enough to have sex then you're not a pro, and you shouldn't be reading this guide). And finishing this quest is a really, really good idea. The developers hid it for a reason.

QUESTGIVER: Geromy
REWARD: 750 exp, Plush Robot Pal
PLACE: 모자에 대해 뭔가 (trading post, not the warehouse)
GOALS: To help Geromy the Metal Heap become a real robot.
COMPLETION: Bring the Rusty Torso, Oxidized Limbs, Creased Sphere, and Bent Screwdriver to Geromy.
ENEMIES: There aren't many enemies you'll encounter since this quest takes place entirely within the outskirts of 모자에 대해 뭔가, but there might be a couple rust larvae sneaking around.

<Rust Larvae>
Size: Small
Speed: Medium
Health: 1000
Attacks:
- Bite (melee): 25 corrosive damage
- Rust Whip (ranged): 5m, 18 corrosive damage
- Degrade (ability): If a player is within melee range of the larvae, one piece of weaponry/armor will have 10% reduced effectiveness (this stacks, be careful). The cooldown on this ability is 2 seconds. Keeping your distance is your best bet.
Possible Drops: Rust Nugget, Larvae Shell
Weaknesses/Resistances: Resist 5 corrosive

Too Many Flavors to Choose
This "quest" isn't a quest. See that underlined header?? It's a lie. There's no quest with that name. Instead, here's the part where I lecture your aural receivers off regarding choosing a deity. First off: FUCKING DO IT. The minor detriments such as following a fate path and being constrained in element choice for your divine skills are nothing compared to the crazy passive bonuses and sometimes even active mayhem you can wreak upon unsuspecting players/npcs. Don't believe me?? First off, fuck you, don't call me a liar. I'm more honest than honest abe. Except not as awesome, because abraham lincoln was a Cagedamn heroic president. Second, you're so wrong. Depending on what deity you choose, the powers you get will make you either significantly better or brokenly overpowered.

Let me tell you the story of the young fashionistannihilator who followed sekhmet and won a siege against a city by themselves. Yeah. And the only reason the city surrendered is because they were running out of food DUE TO NOT KILLING THE PLAYER IN TIME. Did I mention that the city was sieging the player, and not the other way around?? I'm sure I did. Anyway, if you choose well, you'll be able to defend against entire cities. And the key element to choosing well is research. Have you heard about this god in popular culture? If so, don't choose it. There are twenty eight million choices, and one of them is tailored specifically to your exact class, stat, item, and skill set. Really. It may take hundreds of hours to find the right god, and then hundreds more to finally appease an all-mighty bitch and get your sweet, deserved reward, but honestly, that's the only way to get to the top exfoliatiers with any respect. And if you don't like respect for some weird reason I'll ascribe to an incestuous family tree and then never ask you about it later, then at least do it so you can relish in your world-rending power.

Do you know why dark barnacle only has thirteen playable dimensions instead of the normal fourteen?? If you guessed that it was because some player who took the time to know what the hell he was doing with his deity choice decided to literally tear that plane of reality off its hinges, then you're right. If you didn't guess that, then it's okay, that shit was totally unforeseen. You're probably being blown away by that revelation right now. That's a natural reaction, all the gasps and inability to stand. That's what happens when mysteries just come up and shove themselves in your face without any regard to personal space or sexual harassment law.

Anyway, the point is, take your time. Read a book, read a book, read a motherfucking book. And then use that knowledge to make a deliriously good choice of deity. When they said "knowledge is power," they meant in this context, and none other. Everywhere else, knowledge just makes you inactive. In the real world, it's all about doing shit. But that's fucking boring and lame. All the wise folks know to go where their brains can actually exert some true force - and that place is dark barnacle.
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arcWinter

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Re: DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++

Post  arcWinter on Mon Mar 04, 2013 8:52 pm

GLITCHES & EASTER EGGS
---------------------
They aren't as much glitches as they are exploits, since this game is a monument to perfect code and engineering. But sometimes you can play certain classes' abilities off one another. And then other times the developers just wanted to make a joke. The difference between the two for players in general (as well as people around your level of intellect) is exactly zero! So this section header is sort of inaccurate. And redundant. And it could really be cleaned up and made better. But editing is for the weak, so, onwards we will go!

<Manicuring With Suds>
Remember how manicurogue's got double speed from the soapaladin's suds of the forefathers skill?? Recall that double a manicurogue's speed is fucking ridiculous. Recall that this was mitigated by friction damage.

There's a way around that. When you're traveling through the air, you can't get dealt friction damage until you touch something (I guess air resistance wasn't part of the plan). So as a manicurogue who is affected by suds of the forefathers, jump at the exact right moment, and travel in a circle. Your speed will be so high that the game will only be able to treat it as a Cagedamn orbit around the center point of your circle. You'll keep building up velocity, but until the speed buff ends, you're fine. Now, what if, for example, multiple soapaladins could keep using that skill (in this clearly non-sarcastically-hypothetic case, exactly three soapaladins)??

Okay, this hypothetical facade is really boring and is pretty much the worst type of linguistic element I've ever used in this condescending bullshit narrative. Point is, if you get three castings of suds of the forefathers to keep you above ground and spinning for their full duration, you can fling yourself in any direction you want. Keep track of which direction you exit the buff zone from, as well as at what angle, because if you do it exactly right (there are specific guides for this if you want to get really good), then you can fling yourself into any area of the map and die.

This is useful because if you have the soulcall amulet, you can just fling yourself into a civilized area and die on impact, and the game will spawn you where you land. So if you want to travel across the entire game world in seconds, just get three cooperative soapaladins (you might have to pay them if you want ones that know what they're doing), make sure your soulcall amulet is equipped, and let fly.


<Nonexistent Omnipresence>
The cosmeticleric's facemask of faith can be incredibly useful for allowing teammates to avoid damage, easily team up on stronger monsters, and break the laws of physics. Yes, you read that right. Combined with a berserkritic's piercing rhetoric-scathing critique combo, a high-level casting of facemask of faith gives a short window (about a third of a second without using piercing rhetoric, and a full second when used with it) where the buffed player is completely invincible. "Invincible" in this context meaning both immune to damage and immune to newton's laws. When immune to damage, a berserkritic can use omnipresent judgement to propel themselves through a normally impassable piece of terrain, such as a building wall, cliff face, or swamp tree. If one ends their sprint inside of the model, they fall out of the world. You fall for about a minute before touching some sort of invisible surface and reversing direction.

When the descent finally ends, you remain on top of the bottom of the world, and can walk almost anywhere you please. The ground is see-through at an angle, so this works as a kind of spectator mode, especially considering that all your weapons and skills can't deal damage to anything on the other side of the world. They operate just fine when used on other berserkritics that have used this trick, so pvp is available, but doing so without asking for (and getting consent for) honorable combat first usually results in insults and your name being added to some type of hypothetical list that may or may not exist. Either way, people who do this tend to get ganked and spawnkilled to the point where they have to abandon the character. Do this at your own risk (don't do this, you idiot. Let people have their fun).

The reason that I had to write that last paragraph was because seeing other people on the underside isn't uncommon. Some people just want to watch the world burn. Or trade, or quest, or cyber in an alleyway when they think nobody's there. And the reason for so many people being there is that this is more of an easter egg than an exploit. I'm pretty sure the developers build this in, and by "pretty sure" I mean "there's really no doubt or anything else to say on the matter, case closed." There are signs, arenas, cool landscapes, and there's even a place with seats where your character can just sit in underside right beneath a massive pvp hotspot and watch the overworlders duke it out. Underside chat also can't be heard in overworld public chat, but you can stll send private messages, which is an effective method of communication when you can easily see everyone's username. If you're a berserkritic, make sure you check it out at least once for the novelty. And if you're not, then make a berserkritic character so you can try it.


<On the Shoulders of Giants>
As you should know, summon spells create a (usually massive) ally that fights for you. This creature often deals asstons of damage, while also having an aura. This aura can harm teammates, which is a drawback in combat situations. Otherwise, it just means that you have your own awesome mount.

"But arc," I can imagine you saying, making sure to use my preferred nickname because you're a person of refinement and grace, "you can't ride summoned creatures! That is silly and I am disillusioned with your guide. Why, I don't even think dark barnacle is real!"

Well, you've got me there. Hah, did I say that?? I did, huh. Wrong, I take that back, you don't have me here. Or anywhere. This is a work of the purest nonfiction. This knowledge rings so heartily with the sound of truth that historians often get fact boners when it is referenced (yes, even in casual conversation). So, let's ignore your little doubting thomas moment and continue.

"How do you ride summoned creatures then, arc?? Teach us your masterful ways." Ooh, you're good. Flattery will get you everywhere, you know. Anyway, it's really not that difficult at all. Simply jump onto it. Yes, it's likely at least ten times your height. That's why you have to stand on the very edge of a precipice and cover the rest of said precipice with either dropped items or other players. Summons will appear in the next available spot: at the bottom of wherever you are. And a very fun fact to know here is that jumping into your own summoned creature does not cause falling damage to either party. So you can just leap off a cliff to your heart's content onto your preferred monstrosity. And then ride it around. Keeping in line with its movements should be very easy, since larger creatures tend to move at a glacial pace. So, you're welcome. Now you have a huge beast friend and a sweet ride in one.


<Magic Carpet Routine>
This is probably the simplest easter egg in any game ever. I'm not even going to explain it the normal, literal way. I will spell it out for you and then give you those simplistic letters on a bulleted silver platter.

- Step 1: Be a fabricaster.
- Step 2: Have the skill known as magic carpet ride.
- Step 3: Gather to yourself five other players (no more, no less).
- Step 4: Make sure other players are clustered around you, with no doubt that they are really fucking adjacent. The most adjacent they can be. If they are uncooperative or too unintelligent to follow orders, merely instruct them to hump your leg with the abandon of a wild dog.
- Step 5: Cast magic carpet ride.
- Step 6: If done correctly, you have won. Instead of showing the normal animation where you and your allies just stand on the carpet as it rockets forward, now you will notice the distinct change of position. What I'm abstractly alluding to like a pretentious tool is this: those 6 players (including you) should now appear to be in a gymnastic pyramid formation, with you at the top. It's classy as hell, right?? Good thing that you can do this any time you are with 5 people who can be coordinated into an efficient acrobatics team. Yet another reason why dark barnacle is the pinnacle of game-based success.




Endtroduction
---------------------
This is it. The end of the guide. Now you're armed and dangerous with the information in this guide (remember to check back occasionally for updates, don't be a stranger) and ready to go out into the scary-wonderful world of dark barnacle and just wreck so much shit that it will be clear who you are: your own person, not in my shadow or anyone else's, who must forge their destiny for themselves by their own will.

Didn't expect that after eleven thousand words of ego-massaging bullshit, did you?? I'm full of surprises. And I hope you will be too, because you'll need it. No matter how prepared this guide may make you feel, dark barnacle will update and evolve. You have to do the same. And even more than that, you have to interact with nonscripted, honest-to-Cage people, whose behavior is unconstrained by anything. Except for maybe the laws of logic. But people try to break those too, and one day they might succeed (that part's just sentimental bullshit, you can't escape logic). Either way, that shit is going to be crazy, and you're going to need to be crazy as well or just crazy good to keep surviving.

So, congratulations. You managed to slog your way through this guide (if you just skipped down here from the beginning, please introduce your esophagus to my new invention, salt-covered scalpels blended together with cactuses. You lazy doucheslut). If you passed all your reading comprehension tests in middle school, now you're no longer a newbie. You're a player, an active worker in this world, for better or worse. Those crazy bitches who play jezebeleader?? Their fate is in your hands now. Hell, maybe you actually failed reading comprehension and you decided to play jezebeleader and auction off your fate to the fate of the auctionhouse. Who knows?? Not me, I just wrote the book on it.

Damn, I'm actually going to miss seeing that irritating "MORE TO BE ADDED AT A LATER DATE" thing hovering just at the bottom of this thing. Oh well, what's that line??

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." - Some band trying to sound 'deep.'

Anyway, this guide's beginning has officially ended. You are now free to go about your normal lives and dream about one day realizing your potential new beginning in dark barnacle whenever your boss or professor or dominatrix or slave taskmaster grants you a couple hours off. The pen might be mightier than the sword, but nobody ever mentioned anything about the nail clippers.

Wow, I just re-read those last couple paragraphs and I'm going to end this before I can manage to shove in another ridiculously unnecessary modified cliché in this preemptively decomposing corpse of an essay.

I'd say "arcwinter out" but I'm not a pubescent spy novel enthusiast, so... You're welcome. And thanks for reading.


May Cage guide your hands,
arcWinter
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Dark Barnacle: The Pampering: In-Game Chat

Post  semblanceEclipsed on Sat Sep 21, 2013 12:55 am

SE: Alright, It's nearing 10 o'clock and we shall begin our raid soon.
SE: Before setting sail to wreck the shit of every other pathetic group of pirates on this sea of glittery bullshit, I would like to note that you will only be able to access supplies on board, so don't leave anything on shore.
SE: Once you're all ready we can go get the maddest of loots.
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Re: DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++

Post  arcWinter on Sat Sep 21, 2013 1:38 am


AW: I've been waiting for hours.
AW: so ready.
AW: so ready.
AW: super ready.
AW: super duper ready.
AW: ...
AW: .........
AW: ...........................
AW: when are people going to get online.
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Re: DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++

Post  cheshireSmiling on Sat Sep 21, 2013 2:54 am

CS: a'right a'right
CS: i'm here hold your dicks
CS: with a whole new set of gear courtesy of jeff
CS: to whom i now owe approximately five first-borns
CS: i might have to borrow some from you guys
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Re: DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++

Post  arcWinter on Sat Sep 21, 2013 3:10 am


AW: I don't have any firstborns, you'll have to ask lily.
AW: she probably has a basement full of human-octopus mutants just ripe for the debt-paying.
AW: anyway, make sure your hotkeys are specced out correctly.
AW: I'm pretty sure that our healer is only just above the level requirement, so we don't have much of a safety zone.
AW: keep all your buffs going constantly, stay in formation, and don't get distracted by things that aren't the raid.
AW: you know, the basics.
AW: hopefully when the others get here they'll scroll up in chat so I don't have to repeat myself.
AW: but we all know that's not going to happen.
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Re: DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++

Post  semblanceEclipsed on Sat Sep 21, 2013 11:06 am

SE: i DO NOT have a basement full of mutant babies!
SE: god damn it Austin you are an awful person!
SE: i swear someone needs to hit you in the face to stop your nonsense from leaking out of every hole in it.
SE: i'm sure Jeff will consider some other form of payment.
SE: if not ask Victor for a loan he could reasonably come up with 5 first borns.
SE: probably has a whole swedish bank full of them.
SE: that weirdo with his economic obsessions..
SE: probably scrounge up a million dollars worth of every currency in a week if you gave him a reason to.
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Re: DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++

Post  blackoutPerfectionist on Sat Sep 21, 2013 1:38 pm

BP: okay, i'm alive
BP: and i probably won't die
BP: a lot
BP: hooray for being in the back
BP: eylinerangers for the win
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Re: DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++

Post  technoGender on Sat Sep 21, 2013 2:41 pm

TG: attenti[]n pathetic raid team
TG: i have filled []ur entire l[][]t chest with n[] less than []ne th[]usand bars []f level 1 fragrantly scented s[]ap
TG: we may depart f[]r battle n[]w that y[]u have been th[]ur[]ghly bamb[][]zled
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Re: DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++

Post  semblanceEclipsed on Sat Sep 21, 2013 3:57 pm

SE: attenti[]n trashy antag[]nist
SE: i have seized all []f y[]ur s[]ap
SE: and delivered it t[] the b[]tt[]m []f the glitter jizz sea.
SE: i h[]pe y[]u spent n[] less than 3 h[]urs c[]llecting that shit f[]r this charade.
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Re: DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++

Post  technoGender on Sun Sep 22, 2013 3:16 am

TG: hah!
TG: y[]u underestimate my p[]wer to acquire shitty things
TG: i have trash farms set up all []ver the map
TG: i'm raking in the useless junk items by the th[]usands per h[]ur
TG: and the GMs w[]n't lift a finger to st[]p me
TG: y[]u kn[]w...
TG: because it's junk
TG: ...
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Re: DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++

Post  semblanceEclipsed on Sun Sep 22, 2013 11:20 am

SE: blast!
SE: it seems y[]u have this t[]m-f[][]lery d[]wn t[] a damn science
SE: but y[]u'll n[]t overtake []ur raid chest with pitiful gargage again
SE: it is n[]w under passw[]rd and l[]ck pr[]tecti[]n, s[] []nly I can take crap in []r []ut []f it.
SE: this space is reserved pr[]perty of arpeggiated flicker scales and p[]mp[]us mysticet p[]les.
SE: as well as whatever else we find []f value.
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Re: DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++

Post  combinatorialEnigma on Sun Sep 22, 2013 2:54 pm

CE: Did you know that the current hourly parameters for jezebeleader tie lockpicking skill to the price of scented candles?
CE: Coincidentally, my army of tradebots has recently cornered the market on them.
CE: I hope you didn't intend to hang on to any of that loot.
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Re: DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++

Post  semblanceEclipsed on Sun Sep 22, 2013 10:10 pm

SE: Bitch, did you just threaten to rob a manicurogue?
SE: You know, THE thief class.
SE: I don't care how grand your jezebeleader bullshit is, I will hold my loot.
SE: I will kung-fu iron grip these goods kid.
SE: Try stealing them; they'll be right back in my pocket before it even registers in your inventory.
SE: Not to mention we'd be giving you a share anyways so don't be a greedy asshole and go stealing.
SE: But in case you try, know that I have at least 17 different weapon equipped and they will all be infiltrating your personal space if I'm lacking any loot ;)
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Re: DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++

Post  arcWinter on Mon Sep 23, 2013 4:42 am


AW: now, I know you guys may be a bit unclear on this.
AW: but this is a raid.
AW: when in a raid, you DON'T ATTACK TEAMMATES.
AW: so stop threatening to.
AW: if I see anyone damaging or stealing from a friendly, I will visit a divine two-hit kill straight upon your unworthy head.
AW: anyway, hope everyone's prepared, we're just about to head out.
AW: we're all in the party, so on my cue, board the boat and be ready for anything.
AW: your cue is this.
AW: CUE.
AW: OKAY, LET'S GO.
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Re: DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++

Post  technoGender on Tue Sep 24, 2013 12:06 am

TG: i have f[]rtified the b[]at with a thick layer of min[]r health p[]ti[]n arm[]r
TG: and by that i mean
TG: i strapped a bunch []f shitty p[]ti[]ns t[] the b[]at t[] make it heavy
TG: it's sinking a little bit
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Re: DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++

Post  cheshireSmiling on Tue Sep 24, 2013 12:16 am

CS: see i was going to give us some like
CS: inspirational starting words or some shit
CS: but nope
CS: the moment is gone
CS: good job tg
CS: i was looking forward to that
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Re: DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++

Post  technoGender on Tue Sep 24, 2013 12:25 am

TG: w[]uld y[]u say that i...
TG: perhaps have...
TG: aggravated y[]u successfully?
TG: are y[]u...
TG: perhaps...
TG: mad?
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Re: DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++

Post  cheshireSmiling on Tue Sep 24, 2013 12:31 am

CS: SOMEONE HAS TO FACE THE VALLEY
CS: RUSH IN, WE HAVE TO RALLY AND WIN, BOYS
CS: WHEN THE WORLD IS SAYING NOT TO
CS: BY GOD, YOU KNOW YOU'VE GOT TO MARCH ON, BOYS
CS: NEVER HOLD BACK YOUR STEP FOR A MOMENT
CS: NEVER DOUBT THAT YOUR COURAGE WILL GROW
CS: HOLD YOUR HEAD EVER HIGHER AND INTO THE FIRE WE GO
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Re: DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++

Post  technoGender on Tue Sep 24, 2013 12:38 am

TG: N[] Y[]U ARE SUPP[]SE T[] BE MAD
TG: I DEMAND AGGRESSIVENESS
TG: N[]T BULLSHIT BR[]ADWAY TUNES
TG: GET MAD
TG: THR[]W THE LEM[]NS BACK
TG: BURN THE H[]USE D[]WN
TG: DEMAND T[] SEE THE MANAGER


-- technoGender [TG] has converted the immediate mile radius of ocean into soap --

-- level 1 pufferfish has departed this life --
-- level 1 pufferfish has departed this life --
-- level 1 pufferfish has departed this life --
-- level 1 pufferfish has departed this life --
-- level 1 pufferfish has departed this life --
-- level 1 pufferfish has departed this life --
-- level 1 pufferfish has departed this life --
-- level 1 pufferfish has departed this life --
-- level 1 pufferfish has departed this life --
-- level 44 celibate shark has departed this life --
-- level 50 ejaculating seacucumber has been dealt a CRITIKAL HIT--
-- level 1 pufferfish has departed this life --
-- level 1 pufferfish has departed this life --
-- level 1 pufferfish has departed this life --
-- level 1 pufferfish has departed this life --
-- level 1 pufferfish has departed this life --
-- level 1 pufferfish has departed this life --
-- level 1 pufferfish has departed this life --
-- level 1 pufferfish has departed this life --
-- level 1 pufferfish has departed this life --
-- level 1 pufferfish has departed this life --
-- level 1 pufferfish has departed this life --
-- level 50 ejaculating seacucumber has departed this life--
-- level 1 pufferfish has departed this life --
-- level 1 pufferfish has departed this life --
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Re: DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++

Post  cheshireSmiling on Tue Sep 24, 2013 12:45 am

CS: LET THE LIGHTNING STRIKE
CS: LET THE FLASH OF IT SHOCK YOU
CS: CHOKE YOUR FEARS AWAY
CS: PULL AS TIGHT AS A WIRE
CS: LET THE FEVER SPIKE
CS: LET THE FORCE OF IT ROCK YOU
CS: WE WILL HAVE OUR DAY
CS: SAILING INTO THE FIRE
CS: ...
CS: okay yeah that's enough of that
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Re: DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++

Post  technoGender on Tue Sep 24, 2013 12:47 am

TG: i'm taking the ship
TG: y[]u can wait f[]r the next []ne
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Re: DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++

Post  semblanceEclipsed on Tue Sep 24, 2013 1:03 am

SE: have y[]u perhaps f[]rg[]tten..
SE: that this is MY FUCKING SHIP?!
SE: y[]u will be taking it n[]where with[]ut my c[]nsent []r presence
SE: and w[]uld y[]u mind explaining h[]w the hell i'm supp[]sed t[] sail thr[]ugh s[]ap?
SE: y[]u d[] realize that shit is s[]lid, right?
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Re: DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++

Post  technoGender on Tue Sep 24, 2013 1:07 am

TG: y[]u've never heard []f liquid s[]ap have y[]u

-- technoGender [TG] just fucking jacked your ship yo --

TG: see y[]u at the raid
TG: suckas
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Re: DARK BARNACLE: THE PAMPERING - PRO GUIDE++

Post  semblanceEclipsed on Tue Sep 24, 2013 1:11 am

SE: []h, I thought it was.
SE: s[]lid s[]ap.
SE: w[]uldn't surprise me kn[]wing y[]u.
SE: anyways it's kind []f hard t[] jack a ship that we are all []n.
SE: s[]...
SE: well played, assh[]le?
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